TABLOID HELL – SEPTEMBER 24 2001

Plus - Bryan McFadden and Kerry Katona get ready for their big day, Atomic Kitten's Jenny has a drink named after her and The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls have a joke nicked by Victoria Wood...

Dane Bowers must be delighted.

He has secured a booking.

After a torrid few months that saw him excluded from the nation’s charts because no-one bought his records, the roly-poly general of UK R&B/garage will perform at the wedding of Westlife‘s Bryan McFadden and former Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona, reports the Daily Record (September 24). It’s a lucky break for Dane Bowers , as, Tabloid

Hell believes, he was considering chucking in music altogether to become a bus driver. He will travel to the location in Ireland at least a week before the spring wedding in the early part of next year and make sure the acoustics and his voice are just right for the happy couple, who have already had a child, and who is also likely to attend even though she can’t speak.

Dane Bowers has a load of really good ideas,” a source close to Ireland says. “He’s thinking of something really romantic, a big show-stopper – one for the bride and groom that older relatives will still know. Maybe that one from ‘Titanic’. Or the Lion one that Elton John sings from that cartoon. He’s got a couple of jokey ones too – like the ‘Birdie Song’ and that. He’s got a great sense of humour. But it’ll good and clean and he’ll make Kerry and Bryan happy. There’ll be none of that rocky swearing stuff, I can tell you. There’ll be no Gallagher brothers I can tell you!!!”

Elsewhere, The Sun reports that Kerry Katona’s replacement in Atomic Kitten – Jenny Frost – has had a cocktail named after her at the Ritz in London. The cocktail, according to singer and dancer Jenny who used to do other things before she joined Atomic Kitten and stopped doing other things, is called a Honey Frost. Which is marvellous.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report that they are being plagiarised by top rated British comedienne Victoria Wood. It seems they came up with phrase “size 12 my arse” and Victoria stole it. Victoria should bear in mind that the 3am Girls are bloody brilliant and are friends with loads of famous people who really like them and think they are brilliant. Tomorrow, they will bring news of how several other of their phrases have been pinched – phrases such as ‘close the window’ and ‘hello there’ and ‘mind how you go, big lad’.

Finally, scientists are warning that a number of orbiting satellites will be knocked out by a meteor shower due above out heads on in the coming weeks. Around ten meteors per square kilometre of sky will be hurtled towards us. They are the debris left by the trail of comet Temple-Tuttle which passes through the Solar System every 33 years. Most of the meteors will burn up on re-entry through the atmosphere. Having said that…

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