TABLOID HELL – SEPTEMBER 6 2001

Plus - Britney makes Jacko cry, David Bowie drives a car and an unlikely visitor is spotted at Chester Zoo...

Hear’Say are going to be loud.

The band, who have a history of being loud – one of their recent shows in Wales hit such volume levels that it could be heard outside in the street by passing dogs and some old people who called all the police in Wales and some parts of Somerset – are now planning to set a world record for loudness.

According to the Daily Star (September 6), the singing and dancing quintet will encourage their audience to be the loudest ever in the history of the world tonight. Tabloid Hell has learnt that parents should beware. While this sounds like a really merry jape and one that their children will love, Hear’Say have other plans.

. Hear’Say also like experimenting with low frequency throbs and have been known to produce a pulse vibrating at such a low level that orca whales could hear it and respond.

Elsewhere, Britney so-called Spears made Michael Jackson cry. While The Sun reports this is because high-powered television executives have prevented her from appearing with the quite old Peter Pan of Pop because of a contract tied up with payments of money, in the light of revelations yesterday about her drinking and lies, Tabloid Hell now believes Britney made him cry by calling him cruel names and saying cruel things – like “you’ve got a face like a slapped arse held in front of a candle” or “your nose, or what’s left of it, is as real as Jordan’s tits” or “your ma’s your da” or “why don’t you go away and fuck yourself, chimp lover.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that David Bowie

was seen driving a car. The Daily Star’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls with lighter hair who use the same page template for their column as The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls reveal that Stephanie Powers from ‘Hart to Hart’ was seen at Chester Zoo.

Finally, Northern Ireland’s late surge in the World Cup qualifiers continues to gather momentum. Following a well-dug out point against Denmark, away, at the weekend, they only went and destroyed Iceland last night 3-0 in Belfast. Of course they can’t qualify for the finals, but then neither can Holland and Brazil are looking very, very shaky so the Irish are keeping good company.

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