Plus - Madonna and hubby buy glass kitchen, Five star falls on hard times (maybe) and a karaoke sensation...
Now it’s Jennifer Gropez.
The star, who ditched the Diddyman after he changed his name, and then got married last weekend to someone else, was photographed in The Sun making a beeline for her new man’s wedding tackle. But Cris Judd – brother of former ‘Blue Peter’ presenter Leslie Judd – took it in his stride. But he admitted later that he was a little bit concerned about reciprocating.
A source close to Lesley Judd might have said: “Her brother wanted to give his new wife a wee peck on the cheek like, just ‘cos it would have been a nice thing to do. But J-Lo charges him a pound a kiss. All that ‘My Love Don’t Cost A Thing’ is total bollocks. He got the first month free when they were going out, but he gets charged the standard rate like anyone else. I shook her hand at the wedding and then noticed she had a till strapped to her back. Fiver it cost me, even though I promised her I’d get Simon Groom’s autograph.”
Elsewhere in The Sun, Madonna and her cockney husband Vinnie Jones are reported to have have splashed out £100,000 for a kitchen made of glass, which will be installed in their new London home. Now the couple will be able to look at themselves as much as they want while one of them cooks their favourite meal, jellied eels. However, the celebrity couple’s East End neighbours don’t think much of the move.
“She thinks she’s it, that woman”, said one. “Swans about like she’s better than us. I was in the cafe the other day and she walked in, bold as brass, and asked if they had any Earl Grey tea, and, if possible, if she could have it in a clean mug. If her husband wasn’t such a mastermind criminal I’d have belted her there and then. Oh, and asked her for a verse of ‘Lucky Star’. That’s a great song.”
The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report that Five‘s Ritchie Neville and his girlfriend were spotted having dinner together. Now that Ritchie’s redundant, one would presume that his giro would only stretch to one course. Sadly, the ladies’ usually immaculate methods of investigative journalism seem to have deserted them this time, and we are no nearer the truth. That really is a pity, because, as is pointed out with almost alarming regularity in this column, the girls are really, really brilliant.
Finally, the Daily Record reports that Robbie Williams‘ career-saving power ballad ‘Angels’ has been knocked off the top of the karaoke charts in Scotland. But, unfortunately, the tune which has toppled it is, if you can possibly imagine this, even worse.
Yes, drunken wedding receptions now resonate to the sound of ‘Dance The Night Away’ by The Mavericks, sung by your chain-smoking, lager-guzzling Uncle Jimmy, whose demand for Scottish independence is based on the reasoning that he “Fuckin’ hates the English,” Fine, well here at Tabloid Hell , which is written in England, we “fucking hate The Mavericks”. Looks like we’ll never agree…
Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here for The Mavericks tour dates.