Plus - Britney's baldness, Geri's rudeness and a great big bunch of magic dope...

Beef? Curtains! Curtains for your career, that is, if you deign to nip out for a beef madras when you’re supposed to be guarding the hideously self-indulgent pad of two so-far-up-their-own-arses-they’re-chewing-on-their-kidneys megastars.

Today The Sun reports that “Burly” Denis Rafferty (note: all people who guard things are “burly”, just as all Northerners are “chirpy”) was supposed to be minding the house which Madonna and Guy Ritchie have spent £6 million renovating, only he got a bit peckish and nipped down to the local curry house. Well, we say “nipped”, but he had time to drink a pint of lager while he was waiting for his beef madras, special fried rice, Bombay aloo and mango chutney to arrive. Madge then phoned him on his mobile to say “Why aren’t you guarding my house, someone could steal it” because it’s in an area that’s notorious for getting its houses stolen. Then she fired him. Unbelievable. She may think she’s all cock-er-nee’d up, but she isn’t au fait enough with Lahnden culture to realise that nothing, not even guarding Madonna‘s house, comes between a man and his curry.

, meanwhile, is worrying she won’t be balled before she’s 20.

Geri has spent thousands buying a collection of drawings of nude women according to the Daily Star. The Star has headlined this really quite dull story with the sensational, “Geri‘s naked girlie pics”, which is a bit like those Hotmail spams which lead you to nothing more than some dodgy online casino. Tomorrow: Geri shows you how to cut your debts in half and extend your penis.

And finally, the Daily Mail reports how Paul Daniels’ son is appearing in court after cannabis plants were allegedly found at his home. As he was not at all reported as saying: “I started smoking dope and found I liked it. Not a lot… well, actually, quite a lot.” Then, much like his father, he disappeared in a puff of smoke. Like, magic, maaaan.

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