Plus - Chris and Billie can't stop shagging, Geri's easy money and fighting over birds...

Today the papers are awash with theories about just when those two rosy-cheeked idiots in the big house who are constantly watched by TV cameras will finally get down to some serious rumpo action.

But enough about Britney and Justin.

Madonna has been beaten near senseless by her rock-hard mockney hubbie. Well, actually she hasn’t, but judging by the screeching, grammatically tenuous headline in the Mirror today (“What’s made Madonna cry?”) you’d imagine they were gonna reveal tales of torture at the hands of Guy and his sinister coterie of pretend mobster friends.

But no, apparently they had a bit of a falling out after dinner. And in fact, Madonna looks less like she’s crying and more like she’s just woken up to the fact that she’s married to a public school tosser who masquerades as a bovver boy cos it’s a fackin’ larf innit? Either that or he’s let his pocket frog escape. What a pong, eh Madge?

Meanwhile, The Sun prints a picture of S Club 7‘s Jo smoking a cigarette in between shooting in California. Tabloid Hell says: Well done. You look really cool. And quite hard. Still a bit like a man, though.

Can pipers play the pink oboe? While Chris Evans attempts, ‘Vertigo’-like, to turn his teen wife into Kim Wilde, there’s a picture of what The Sun believes their baby would look like, were the ginger nonce to get Billie up the duff (they are, apparently, “shagging for Britain”, like it’s a World War Two campaign or something – Billipoli, perhaps. Though it’s more like the Battle of the Bulge with her now, innit?).

The sprog, rather than resembling a morphed version the two deranged media vultures, in fact looks like a cross between Carol Vorderman and the housewife in the new Carol Voderman Benecol advert who appears to have been dragged through quite a lot of bushes before she sat down to talk about how the spread reduced her cholesterol (if you don’t know what we mean by “reduced”, take your hand, make a ‘c’-shape, and bring your thumb and fingers together – that’s what it’s like, reduction).

The Daily Record reports on Geri‘s performance at the opening party for the new Ferretti boutique in Rome, where she performed two songs and was paid £30,000 per tune. “Her mini show cost the organisers the equivalent of £6,000 a minute,” the Record gasped. The Italians, however, were more concerned about the fact there was “no licking”. You can’t put a price on that kind of showmanship, Antonio.

And finally, The Sun tells of how champion canary breeder Mark Lowry yesterday admitted to punching a judge at a canary show after a pre-competition drinking session. He was quite possibly (though not actually) reported as saying, “well, he was eyeing up my bird”.

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