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Liberty are filthy. The made-for-TV five-piece failures, who differ from made-for-TV five-piece successes Hear’say as they do not have an apostrophe in their name, have been forced to chop scenes from their filthy new video in case it corrupts children and other young people. According to The Sun (October 16), the video sees Tony Lundon, lead drummer with the outfit, “caressing the breasts of a female model,” while Michelle Heaton, secondary drummer with the outfit, takes this a stage further by “fondling her own boobs”.Jessica Taylor, seamstress, “snogs a male model model”.

Television watchdogs are understandly apoplectic with rage at the scenes. “It’s a fucking damnable disgrace,” a watchdog said. “We heard the song was called ‘Doin’ It’ and we thought nothing of it. But we didn’t realise it was subtitled ‘stroking bits of our own and other peoples’ bodies in a manner suggesting intercourse of a non-verbal variety and in a way that will frighten the horses and worry sheep and lead to questions in the House’. I have a mother who is older than me, and she doesn’t want to turn on her television and see scenes that could easily have been lifted from a hardcore pornographic triple-X Dutch film that doesn’t involve animals or plastic pipes but that might if it were somewhat different. This sick display shall be banned and I shall be writing a strongly worded letter to the so-called Liberty and their parents to demand that they take a long hard look at themselves and have a shower. The parents don’t need to take a shower but I’m incandescent here.”

Elsewhere, it has been reported that there is weather today in Scotland. Scotland also had weather yesterday. Unconfirmed reports indicate that both France and Finland also had weather yesterday.

The Sun reports that Mariah Carey has roped off part of her home in order to contain a piano once owned by Marilyn Monroe. Dolphin-voiced mentalist Mariah, who recently released a record, has not commented on the piano or the rope. “She loves the piano,” a man said. “And she’s really protective of it. She won’t even look at it in case she damages it. She also has another corner of her house fenced off to contain a big shell she found on the beach. She’d love to pick it up to listen to the sea but she doesn’t like to.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls reveal that Vanessa Feltz was seen shopping in shops with “pals”. In a further shocking insight they also reveal that moderately successful television host Dale Winton was seen waiting to cross a road, by the side of a road in London.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com for a land of milk and honey and also love and God probably.