Liam and Alan talk Bert and Ernie and the Queen...

“Now that you’ve written ‘Little James’, does Liam plan to write another song soon? And did you enjoy writing it?” – Jack Ryan, Milwaukee

Liam: Yeah, ‘Big Lennon’. Just going to get me cigs.

(opens door to office and shouts) What was that question? ‘Do we plan to be working with Marcus Russell in the next two years?’ Don’t know about that! (Closes door, chuckling, and sits down). I enjoyed it immensely. I wouldn’t go crazy about it though. It only took me ten minutes to do. I’m not a songwriter, I’m a singer. If there’s any more in the pipeline then so be it. If not, never mind.”

“What would you say to Tony McCarroll if you bumped into him in the street?” – Anil Rana, Calgary

Liam: Do you want to borrow a fiver? And have you learnt how to drum yet?

Alan (to nme.com): Are you smoking weed in our office?

nme.com: It’s rolling tobacco.

Liam: He’s on the Johnny Jazzers, him! (puts on Jazz Club voice in bad impersonation of nme.com and leans on the table) ‘So, er, Liam, man, what do you think of the price of beans in Yugoslavia? Don’t you think inflation is just bouncing about, man….has anyone got any crisps? Hey, should we just, like, take our clothes off and start running around the office shouting Happy fucking Mondays!’ Pothead.

Alan: I was actually thinking about getting me hair permed like McCarroll, like The Mickies.

Liam: You big tease you.

“When will you be signing anyone to Big Brother?” – Mark Gustason, Rockford, USA

Liam: We’re not signing anyone to Big Brother. So all those shitty little indie bands out there don’t even waste your stamps or your indie jangly tapes. We’re not signing anyone.

nme.com: There’s going to be a lot disappointed bands out there because there’s a lot of questions here asking that.

Liam: Fuck ’em.

Alan: We ain’t signing anyone.

Liam: Do it like we had to do it, yer lazy bastards.

nme.com: Not even Cotton Mather?

Liam: Fuck that! If you start doing that then you turn into a record company boss and I don’t want to do that. I’d have preferred not to have even started this label at all. And if starts interfering with what we’re about then it’ll get fucked off out the window. We’re not record company bosses, it’s just something that we had to do. It’s just so we can put our shit out.

“Does Liam know how to play guitar or is he just winging it?” – Bernard Badjari

Liam: Winging it! To fuck.

Alan: Everyone’s a winger in this band. We are the wingers.

(enter Marcus Russell) Alright Marcus?

Liam: This is top, Marcus! I love this.

Marcus: Good questions Liam: There’s fucking loads of Steve Sutherland questions, loads.

nme.com: He hasn’t even seen them!

Marcus: It must be ‘cos he’s such a fan.

Liam: There’s a geezer in here called Ringo Mountbatten! He wanted to know what life was all about!

Marcus: Changing that name

Liam: That’s what Alan said.

“What do you think of The Queen? Would you like to kick her arse?” – Cosmo Kramer

Alan: Fuck ’em.

Liam: She’s alright.

nme.com: Would you kick her arse?

Liam: I don’t hit women.

Alan: I don’t like her but I wouldn’t kick her, mate.

Liam: I couldn’t give a fuck about the Queen. I think that people should get used to the fact that the royal family are here and that is the end of it. There’s fuck all you can do about it. They’re always going to be here just like…..the lamp posts. Like the white lines in the road. All these anti-royalists should fucking turn off their TV sets and go and do something useful with their lives. The reason why the royals are so important is because loads of pot heads go ‘oh fucking hell, man, this is like, heavy, knowarrimean?’ Shut up you dicks and ignore the silly cow and she might just stay in her house. The more publicity you give the bitch…..no, I love her.

“Did you think it was a bit strange Bert And Ernie living together?” – Matt Senuik

Liam: (Astonished) Fucking yeah! Mega. That is the best question ever, that.

Alan: Couple of fruits, weren’t they.

Liam (amazed and impressed): Did you think it was a bit strange Bert And Ernie living together?! Brilliant that!

Alan: With their stripey tops and their big hooters?

Liam: Pair of fruits, man. It’s Phil Smith and Mark Coyle.

“How do you feel about people down-loading your new album for free on the internet?” – Terry Thomas, London N1

Liam: I think it’s scandalous.

Alan: Fuck all you can do about it.

Liam: Yeah but I think it’s scandalous. They should get their hands in their pockets and get down the shops like the rest of us.

“Is Liam friends will Paul Weller, it always seems to be Noel who’s seen with him?” – Damon Beckham, London

Liam: I have the odd livener with him, have a little chat with him. Top man.

Alan: I’ve known him the longest, he’s a good lad. He put my candles down my toilet last time he came to my house. He’s got a bit pissed on a few Stellas in the garden, next thing I go in the toliet and all my candles are in the bog!

Liam: He’s a freak.

Alan: He’s a crank. Flushed them down there.

Liam: He’s trying to put the water out. (Weller-voice) Who done that big turd in there? Bung the candles in!

“Is Liam ever going to do a solo album?” – Jaswant Singh, Birmingham

Liam: I’m not going to ever do a solo album. And if I was I’d use Bert and Ernie. We’d be a power trio. I also want Rodney Marsh in there. He’s fucking amazing. That programme on Sky Sports where he slags everyone off? Top. He is the geezer. I’d love to have a beer with him.

“What are better, Jaffa Cakes or Clubs?” – Pat Tinley, Burslem

Alan: I like Clubs.

Liam: I haven’t had a Club for ages. I tell you what the best biscuits are, man. Those United biscuits. Remember them? Honeycomb in the middle and there were three parts to them. Blue and white wrapper. Fucking delicious, man.

Alan: I do like those Clubs with the bits of fruit in them..

Liam: Bert and Ernie nonsense. I’ll tell you another top biscuit: garibaldis. They are proper boring as fuck but mega. And fig roll, man.

Alan: Fig roll?

Liam: Fig rolls are the bollocks, mate.

Liam, are you really scared of going bald?” – Barney Hall, London

Liam: No. I’m going to settle this once and for all. I got asked the question ‘what would stop me singing?” And I said I want to sing in Oasis until I die. And he said ‘what if you lost your hair?’ Look, if I lost my hair you would never see me on that stage again. ‘Cos there’s no place for baldness in rock’n’roll. End of it. How can I go onstage with a slaphead and get a point across. They get on my case enough as it is. They’d be wacking each other on the heads with truncheons and trying to copy me. I’m not paranoid about going bald. I would prefer it if I didn’t lose my hair, but everyone’s a little paranoid.

nme.com: Would have shave it off, comb it over, or wear a wig?

Liam: I’d just chop me head off. See this week’s NME for the Fan-ish Inquistion with Noel and Gem.