Liam and Alan talk Rolling Stones punch-ups, football and Elvis

You join us midway through the Fani-ish Inquisition with Liam and Alan of Oasis and a pertinent question or two…

“What is left for Oasis to conquer?” – Helen Varley, White Lodge

Liam: Crack.

Alan: We don’t want to conquer anything. There’s plenty of things for us to do, plenty of new tunes to write and play.

Liam: There’s lots of shit for us to do, lots of countries we’ve not been to.

Alan: Ain’t been to Poland.

Liam: It’s not a question of conquering, not at all. We’re just going to keep making music ’til we die. And if we conquer anywhere….conquer?! Fucking stupid. What are we, the Normans? William the fucking Conquerer? Off we go, don’t forget the beans!

Alan: Set sail Oasis!

“What was the last movie that made you cry?” – Lindsay Bowlin, Maryland, USA

Alan: I’ll tell you one and this is the fucking truth. Two Sundays ago I watched ‘Life Is Beautiful’, Italian film about the Jews. It was top and I cried.

Liam: Subtitles?

Alan: Mmmmm.

Liam: Fucking rubbish. What was the last movie that made me cry? Stupid question. I don’t cry. I’m a geezer.

“You said that the new album would be radically different to Be Here Now?’ What happened?” – Fergal Corbett, Talgarth

Alan: It is different. Two members have gone.

Liam: It is different, there’s a lot of different stuff going on, and I don’t think that I did say that because I don’t use stupid words like ‘radically’. Who’s that cunt?

Alan: That’s an nme.com question.

nme.com: It’s not! It’s Fergal Corbett.


Alan: It’s a wind-up. That’s whatshisname.

Liam: That’s fucking Steve Sutherland. Radically different…..we never said that so fuck off. The reason why this one is different to the last one is because you bunch of bastards hated the last one so we thought we’d change it, alright you cunt? I suppose you don’t like this one now? Fucking make your mind up you bunch of cunts.

“Who’s your favourite character from The Muppets?” – Jessica

Alan: Animal.

Liam: Kermit The Frog, innit.

“Did you take Andy Bell on because of his bass-playing or because of the

brilliance of his previous groups Ride and Hurricane #1?” – Diemar,


Liam: Don’t know about the latter.

Alan: We took him on because he’s a nice chap, got his head screwed on and because he can play the bass well. What more do you need?

Liam: Actually, we took him on because of his striking resemblance to Mick Fleetwood. And ’cause he’s good on the bass.

Alan: Mick Fleetwood? I thought he looks more like Rodney Trotter.

nme.com: Will you let him write stuff?

Alan: No, leave it out. Skint as it is.

Liam: I’ll never get me house in Mexico if we start letting Andy Bell write our songs.

“Alex James recently said he gets on really well with the Oasis boys. Is that true?” – Serena, Athens, Greece

Liam: He’s pissed.

Alan: Who, Aled Jones?

nme.com: Alex James.

Alan: I don’t know him.

Liam: He’s alright, he’s one of those hooray henry boys. Hit him a slap every now and then and tell him to get to the bar. I wouldn’t say he gets on well with us, though. The only thing he gets on well with is his yacht.

“Rumour has it that Noel is going to be doing a solo album after five….” –

Alan: Aaaaaaah.

Liam: He’s already done four, give it a rest.

“….would you call it a day after six?”- Kate Eddon, Teddington

Liam: Depends on what’s going on. Depends if we’ve got anything in the pipeline. When will the sixth be done?

Alan: It’s only two, three years away.

Liam: Fuck that, I’m definitely carrying on. I’ll be a sad old fart like the Rolling Stones.

“What’s you favourite film, TV show and book?” – Rebecca G

Liam: Movie: Scarface. TV: Heartbeat. What’s the other one, packet of crisps?

nme.com: Book

Liam: Book? Fucking arsed about books.

Alan: I like Meantime, top Mike Leigh film, always pull that out on a Sunday. I don’t read many books. And TV show is fucking Eastenders, innit.

Liam: Nah, it’s got to be Heartbeat. I’m double serious about that. It’s fucking rocking Heartbeat, the way they have two stories going on at the same time. It does my head in. Greengrass? Mega, man.

Alan: He used to be in ‘Who’s the Gaffer?’ He was top in that.

Liam: Selwyn Froggart? He’s a geezer, man. He rocks, he’s got a Jaguar. He’s a fucking top man. I’ve followed his career all the way right from them early days.

Alan: Nice one, Selwyn.

“Has Liam really got a photographic memory as he once boasted” – Paula, Staines

Liam: Absolutely. Totally.

nme.com: Really?

Liam: What’s a photographic memory?

“What three Premiership players would you have playing for Man City, money no object?” – Tim Barr, Knutsford

Liam: Three? Flo from Chelsea. That geezer from Arsenal, Thierry Henry. And Posh Spice.

Alan: I’m a Charlton fan..

Liam: He’d have Bruce Forsyth, George Formby

Alan: We don’t need any ‘cos we’ll be up next season anyway.

Liam: You like Nigel Winterburn.

Alan: Fucking Nigel Winterburn is the best defender in the world. I’d have Posh Spice too.

Liam: And Ringo Mountbatten.

Alan: Charlton are having it. We’ll be back up next season.

Liam: Fucking rubbish. Straight back down again.

Alan: We’ll do the double this year.

Liam: Don’t be stupid.

nme.com: There’s another question that wants to know if Rivaldo really deserves the world player of the year award.

Liam: Rivaldo? No. Who is he anyway?

Alan: He plays for Barcelona.

Liam: There’s a lot of good players out there.

Alan: Like Winterburn.

Liam: Fuck him, the big nose cunt!

Alan: You watch the next Arsenal game, he’s always there.

Liam: He’s always there because he gets paid to always be there. He’s shit and he’s double lucky to be there at all. Nigel Winterburn is not the best player in the world. Best player in the world is….. Rivaldo. Why not, eh?

Liam, why don’t you wear a bit of eyeliner, you’d look absolutely stunning” – Siobhan Duffy, Ireland

Liam: Who’s that from, Placebo? Eyeliner?!

nme.com: She says you’ll look stunning.

Liam: Is that right? I look stunning already.

Alan: You’d look like Selwyn Froggart more like.

Alan McGee is always referred to as the man who made Oasis famous. Don’t you think it should be the man that Oasis made famous” – David McCarthy, Aberdeen.

(round of applause)

Liam: Too right. Get in there, David, you are totally spot on and you are getting a Christmas card off me.

“What is Liam‘s fascination with Elvis?” – Robert, California

Liam: My fascination with Elvis? Just the wiping his arse with Gooses’ (sic) necks does it for me, man. That just kills me.

Alan: What do you mean, wiping his arse with a goose’s neck?’

Liam: That’s what he did apparently. He’d have a big fuck off box of or bucket of gooses’ necks that had just been chopped off and he’s a proper yellowbelly from down South – (dixie accent momentarily) – ‘that’s me boy’ and he’d wipe his arse out the window with gooses’ necks. The dirty fucking….he is the king. That’s what kings do, innit. You know what I mean? They do, don’t they?

Alan: I’d much rather have a bit of Andrex or something.

Liam: Ah yeah, of course, but you’re not the king are you. King. That’s what kings do. He’s mega man. And then he goes out there and the cheek of it, man. Wiping his arse and then going out there on stage and giving it all that (Elvis voice) ‘huhhuhuhuh’. The fucking cheeky bastard. He’s a geezer.

nme.com: Would you do that before going onstage?

Liam: I fucking would, mate. No, I wouldn’t.

“Who would win a brawl out of you and The Rolling Stones?” – Jeff

Hodgson, Regina

Liam: I’d knock fuck out every fucking one of them. Put together.

Alan: Even Charlie? Charlie‘s a bit tasty.

Liam: Charlie‘s alright, no. I don’t mind Charlie.

Alan: Yeah, leave Charlie.

Liam: But if he wanted it I’d have him, know what I mean? But Jagger, RichardsRon Wood‘s a bit of a geezer, actually. But them other two are fucking idiots as far as I’m concerned and I’d slap the pair of them. I might just do it next time I see them.

Alan: That will be when they support us at Wembley then.

Liam: No, it’ll be when I’m delivering them hot fucking food around their houses on a Sunday. Meals on fucking wheels, that’s me.

Part three tomorrow.