TABLOID HELL – SEPTEMBER 5 2001

Plus - Macca's milk protest, Hear'sayban beards and the Canadian navy go shopping. Or is it the other way round?...

Robbie could be left disabled.

According to the Daily Star (September 4), the big happy singer is suffering from ‘swing finger’. It seems Robbie, former keyboard player with top rating boyband East 17 but now a popular singer in his own right thanks to his tune ‘Angels’ about the problems associated with love for the undead, developed the condition while recording his latest album – covers of old swing tunes. Constant snapping of his finger to keep time has left his fingers “sore”. “Experts are advising him to give his right hand complete rest,” the Star reports straight-faced. “Deep tissue massage, anti-inflammatory drugs and steroid injections could all be prescribed.” Tabloid Hell has learned that so desperate are record chiefs to preserve the health of their star, that they have employed a body double to do finger clicks for Robbie. The double, a resting actor with limited experience of finger clicks, will be used at all Robbie’s forthcoming public engagements. He will also live with Robbie for a while to become accustomed to his, sometimes, exaggerated clicking style. The click double might also have to help around the house, as Robbie’s limited movement stops him buttering toast, hoovering and changing toilet paper.

and I went to help lots of cows one night but the farmer had locked them in a big barn. We looked in and they were sleeping in hay and some were even having to defecate where they stood. If dogs or humans were treated like that there’d be outrage and we wouldn’t eat them.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls reveal that Hear’Say‘s Suzanne, who loves shopping, was spotted shopping on London’s main shopping road, the shopping mecca of Oxford Street. They also report that Rod Stewart’s girlfriend Penny Lancaster’s knickers match her top by looking up her skirt to check. The Daily Star’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls with lighter hair who use the same page template for their column as The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls reveal that Suzanne Shaw is not only fond of shopping, but also enjoys a drink.

Finally, the Canadian navy is going to ban beards because they fear they are a safety hazard. (It must be assumed that the beards in question are made up of facial hair and not slang for a way of masking homosexuality such as “I hear Rock Hudson’s wife was a ‘beard’, chosen by the studio to mask his homosexuality). It seems beards have been shown to interfere with the effectiveness of respirators worn over the face.

Email Tabloid Hell@nme.com. Click here to have your photo taken with a rock star.