Ronan Keating's anuses prove no barrier to success in the Keith Duffy Catching Challenge, and Brian May performs an oral examination...

Ronan Keating sang for Keith Duffy. According to The Sun (October 19) the event happened at an award ceremony for shampoo, at which shampoo ironically didn’t win anything and neither, in fact, did any soap, cleanser or related product but people did instead. Ronan and Keith haven’t spoken since their former band Boyzone broke up because Ronan didn’t want to carry on and Keith couldn’t afford to buy a nice house by the sea which he planned to do. Ronan was also enraged when Keith, who wants to be a plumber but can’t be because he’s not allowed, revealed that Ronan has arseholes in his ear, a complaint that Ronan hoped to keep secret by wearing hats. During Ronan’s performance, which consisted of him singing and moving in time, Keith said: “I didn’t know he was going to be here. I hope he can catch bottles.”

Keith will be delighted to learn that Ronan can catch bottles. He’ll be even more delighted to learn that in idle moments, of which Ronan has few because he is frequently busy, Ronan has learned to catch knives and burning sticks. “He’s bloody class at catching things,” a man said. “We all hope that in about a month he’ll catch loads of stuff, one after the other, and be a juggler. It’s his dream. When he was really small he used to tell people he just wanted to be a juggler. The arseholes in the ear thing caused problems, but that’s been sorted now with expensive laser treatment and delicate lighting. That Keith’s an old bastard challenging Ronan to catch things.”

The Sun also reports that huge-eyelashed Ritchie from Five, who used to be engaged to pop singer and wife Billie Piper until she left him to marry the supremely wealthy but ginger former mobile disc jockey Chris Evans is going to record a track with Brian May who used to be in rock band Queen until the singer died. “Brian thinks Ritchie is great,” a man said. “He loves Ritchie’s teeth. He thinks they’re like a lovely wee pony’s teeth. A lovely pony with a good dentist and oral hygiene routines.”


The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that man will walk on Mars before the end of the year. Or at least they bloody should reveal that because if it were to happen it would be great.

Click here Tabloidhell@nme.com for free love and celestial light