Plus - H's secret past as an MI6 agent, the return of Hairy Gelliwell and Macca's daughter has no manners...

Steps are going to save the world.

The five-piece are due to take off to the Gulf within days to put on a show to cheer the troops. According to The Sun (September 25), they will play two shows in front of 7,000 servicemen. And they are not alone. The five-piece, who can dance and sing at the same time and frequently do, will be joined by the Incredible Shrinking Woman, Hairy Gelliwell.

Tabloid Hell has learned that Steps and Gelliwell, both pop acts of renown even though they refuse to sell many records any more, preferring to have other people top the charts, are delighted to be making the trip and delighted to be keeping up the morale of “our boys” in The Gulf. “They’re delighted to be making the trip,” a source who can count individual grains of sand says. “And they’re delighted to be keeping up the morale of “our boys” in the Gulf.

However, H from Steps, real name H, is believed to be in two minds. “I don’t bloody know, you know,” he should say. “I have absolutely no problem acting as some kind of psychological buoyancy aid for those stationed thousands of miles from home, who possibly might be called into active service in a treacherous and unknown terrain, but is that enough? As a former MI6 agent with a doctorate in Middle Eastern Studies and time spent covertly observing the movements of the Mujahideen, both in Afghanistan and in the West, would my talents not be better employed elsewhere? I mean, I can see the benefits of a well turned cover of ‘Chain Reaction’, but come on… throw me a freakin’ bone…”

Elsewhere, Stella McCartney, daughter of bass-playing frock designer and former manufacturer of wings Paul Sir Paul Macca McCartney, is pictured in the Mirror sticking her tongue out. In a bold gesture of defiance, Stella, who knows Madonna but is not a singer, unlike Lisa Stansfield

who doesn’t know – Madonna

but who is a singer, also holds up to fingers in a gesture that could be construed as rude.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal actor Jude Law bought a thing in a shop.

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