Plus, that link between Robbie Williams and Solzhenitsyn revealed at last, Celine proves that having a big nose is better than having some freaky-looking plastic nose and Pam takes National Cle

Poor Becks. With every rainbow there’s a big dark cloud. It seems the real reason behind his recent alarming loss of form (now regained) was not fatigue or even complacency, but because he wasn’t allowed to play ‘Stan’.

According to this morning’s Daily Star (March 27), the Manchester United wang wizard (and saviour of England – he can cure foot and mouth as well, you know), is prevented from listening to Eminem, Dre and Tupac by his wife, Posh Spice. “I’m really into rap and R&B and stuff,” the high-pitched one squeaks, “I admit though, that Victoria tells me to turn some of the music off when we’re in the car.” Poor Becks.

The Star also has a rather peculiar list today. |n the middle of a top ten charting the significant day in history on which some people are born, we learn that ‘EastEnder’ turned pop singer Michelle Gayle slipped in when Idi Amin declared himself absolute ruler of Uganda and that cheeky chappie and all-round entertainer Robbie Williams burst out on the day Alexander Solzhenitsyn was expelled from the former USSR. Which is the only time that such a peculiar pairing has been made. Watch tomorrow for the details of the long correspondence between JD Salinger and Fred Durst.

Meanwhile, The Mirror’s ever-vigilant 3am Girls head back to their ticket desks to again get some people into the theatre to see Martine McCutcheon (former soap opera actress turned singer, much like Michelle Gayle) in ‘My Fair Lady’. Today we’re treated to a photograph of plucky Martine heading to the doctor’s for a check-up. They also tell us that Konnie Huq (pronounced ‘Hook’) had a meal in a Beefeater restaurant. After lengthy investigations, Tabloid Hell has learned that Konnie Huq is a presenter on evergreen kids’ TV show ‘Blue Peter’. We have also learned that her sister is about to finish her PhD. Which will make her Dr Huq.

All the morning’s papers carry a picture of Pamela Anderson (the music link here is of course because she was once married to Tommy Lee) wandering into a post-Oscars party with Liz Hurley showing her nipple. Tabloid Hell reminds its loyal readers that this is National Cleavage Week. The Sun, bless it, will not let you forget.

That said, The Star tells us that Westlife’s pitch for a Christmas Number One will be ‘White Christmas’. Then, presumably, they’ll make a fist at Elton (‘Candle In The Wind’).

The Star also reckons big-nosed new mother Celine Dion is more of a priority act for Sony than chimp and mannequin-loving Michael Jackson. Apparently it was that ‘Titanic’ tune that sealed it.

The Sun today concentrates on the Oscars. However, they do tell us that former Wings frontman Paul McCartney has launched a range of scarves inspired by photographs taken by his late wife Linda.

Finally, a man in Norwich went to the supermarket and came home to find his garden sucked into a 40ft deep hole caused by the Ice Age.

Apparently, the gaping cavern in Michael Whittaker’s front lawn suddenly appeared because 20,000 years of melting glacial ice finally subsided. It was, Tabloid Hell has learned, an alluvial deposit. Peace.