Jane McDonald in 'not thin' revelation, the hip cats at Muzik ban Big Brother 'stars', and Becks just doesn't fancy Posh at the moment...

Chicken-in-a-basket cabaret singer Jane McDonald, star of ‘The Cruise’ docusoap and other light entertainment programmes broadcast on a Saturday evening while the nation watches a different channel, told The Sun that her husband took her on a romantic holiday to the Grand Canyon to say “You’re too fat”. We predict – and, indeed, really bloody hope – that he’ll take the lardy warbler aside during a hiking trip in the foothills of the Appalachians and say, “You’ve got a shite voice, stop inflicting your interpretations of easy-listening favourites on the public and get a nice little job in a launderette until I let you have my babies.” Maybe.

Meanwhile, P Diddy has been moaning in The Daily Record that he’s had enough of meaningless rumpo with groupies and is looking to abandon his cavalier conquests to find a replacement for ex-sweetheart Jennifer Lopez. “I would just like to be with somebody who understands me,” the big girl’s blouse whined. Police have issued a restraining order prohibiting the rapper from going anywhere near infant schools and zoos.

Noel Gallagher’s lady friend, Sara MacDonald, has quit her high-profile PR job. This has nothing to do with her having a great time hanging out with rock stars, nothing to do with her being too busy taking holidays, going to premieres and attending A-list parties, and absolutely nothing to do with Noel having loads of money that she can live off. Because, as a source close to Noel told us: “Are you fucking mad? Noel would never go out with a freeloading, self-publicising party animal. He might marry one, especially if she was a right bush pig, though.”

Somewhat hilariously, David Beckham’s affections have strayed from Victoria – he’s been playing Kylie‘s number one smash ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’ constantly on his car stereo. Victoria may be distraught, but then her husband is only doing what the rest of the country is doing – enjoying Kylie rather than enduring more of Victoria’s old crap.

And finally, ‘Big Brother’ contestants have been relegated to the celebrity Z-list. Security staff for tomorrow night’s Muzik Dance Awards have been briefed to keep the attention-desperate liggers at bay – apart from Brian, the only one who might enjoy a career being paid above the minimum wage.