Worried you might have missed some of the week's best music news stories amid all the noise surrounding the Brits this week? We've got your back. Here's our 15 top tales from the world of music from the past 7 days - beginning with Lady Gaga's unfortunate encounter with a slow loris, who reportedly bit her on the set of her new video. It was born that way, apparently.
There goes our hopes of a boozy afterparty in Cliff Richard's hotel suite after the pop geriatric supports Morrissey this May: the man himself told NME this week that his post-show plans primarily involve "having a chicken curry". Expect an image of him tucking into a steamy vindaloo on the 2015 Cliff calendar.
The head of music at BBC Radio 1 has said that he believes the British public's appetite for guitar music is returning. George Ergatoudis told an industry panel that new guitar bands have not been good enough in recent years, which Arctic Monkeys' Alex Turner responded to by declaring that "rock 'n' roll will never die" actually George, thank you very much.
Kate Moss accepted Davie Bowie's Brit Award for Best Male Solo artist on his behalf at Wednesday's ceremony, reading a statement from the icon that crammed in Japanese folklore, rabbits, the solar system and a plea with Scotland to "stay with us" as the country considers voting for independence from Britain. Bowie, eh? Steals the show even without turning up.
School-uniform-clad rockers AC/DC have announced a world tour and a new album, both incoming later this year. How are they are going to balance all these commitments with their mock GCSEs just around the corner?!
Marcus Mumford, main man in MIA MOR-ers Mumford & Sons, has revealed that he says 'yes' when people ask if the band have split so that they "can have a big comeback tour next year!". You sly bastard, Marcus.
Meanwhile, over in crazy conspiracy corner, Korn singer Jonathan Davis has accused Barack Obama of using Miley Cyrus and Kanye West as a "media puppet" to distract people from "what's going on" in the US. Sure, Jonathan.
Alt-J's Thom Green has raised the possibility of a Miley Cyrus after discovering their music is currently being used to soundtrack a 'striptease' segment on the 'Bangerz' tour: “Her voice might suit some of our music." Or, you'll turn up for the first rehearsal and wake up in three weeks later on the floor of a LA bathroom cubicle with the hangover from hell.
Bastille also won at the Brits, despite being the musical equivalent of a bumper dose of general anesthetic before an operation to get an in-grown toenail removed. Yawn.
Green Day played a secret show in a tiny pub in Sydney on Thursday night. The place was rammed with fans who dashed for entry following a Billie Joe Armstrong tweet confirming the impromptu gig, playing 50 minutes of hits. Now that's what we call a happy hour.
Madonna has hinted at plans to return this year with a new album. When asked about rumours of a collaboration with Toronto rapper Drake, she quickly responded: "If he'll have me." Watch this space.
Lana Del Rey took to Twitter to post a picture of herself sitting on the lap of the Black Keys frontman and Grammy Award winning producer Dan Auerbach, sparking suggestions he was working with the 'Video Games' singer on her upcoming album 'Ultraviolence'. Bring it on, we say.
Johnny Marr this week dismissed reports of Factory Records owner Tony Wilson turning down The Smiths before they signed to Rough Trade. “I didn't want to be assimilated into the Factory aesthetic. Before we knew it, we would've had side-partings and khaki shorts, with bongos round our necks." Sounds like a strong look.
A bacteria strain that causes acne has been named after the weirdo-rock legend Frank Zappa. P. Zappaeis apparently made up of unpredictable elements that cause people to break out. Sound like anyone we know?
Kaiser Chiefs have denied stealing the logo of cycling company Sturmey Archer for their new album cover, explaining that the artwork and lyrics of 'Education, Education, Education & War' are an "homage" to "Britain's heritage". Kaiser THIEFS more like, right guys! Guys? ...Hello? Oh fuck it, I'm off to the pub.