It’s December, we’re approaching Christmas faster than a rocket-powered Santa’s sleigh and nothing can dim our festive cheer – or so we thought. A quick flick through these awful Christmas album sleeves will have you in Grinch mode in no time at all. Just take this Kenny Chesney monstrosity. The guy looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch mannequin brought to life by black magic.
Quite what was in Rudy Ray Moore’s eggnog the day he decided this was a good idea, we’ll never know. We’ll give the guy this – naming an album ‘This Ain’t No White Christmas!’ takes some serious baubles.
A man in salmon coloured blazer (with nothing underneath) sobs hysterically while lost in the lighting department of Croydon Ikea. We’ve all been there, pal. Why chose it as your Christmas album sleeve image, though?
Cee-Lo Green stars as a fur-clad Santa on the sleeve for ‘Magic Moment’, riding through the cosmos on a horse-pulled Rolls Royce with a reindeer at the wheel. Can’t picture Cliff Richard doing this, somehow.
‘Grease’ stars John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John reunite on the inexplicably creepy sleeve to ‘This Christmas’. Tell me more, tell me more? No thanks, we’re alright actually.
In Holland, Santa is a kind of Father Christmas/the Pope mutant called Sinterklaas who lives in Spain, sails around in a boat instead of a sleigh and is assisted by ‘blacked-up’ helpers, all called ‘Black Pete’. Which goes some way to explaining this nightmare-inducing Christmas conundrum but absolutely nowhere near enough.
Lenny Dee looks scarily like a ’70s bank robber hiding from the police in a shopping centre grotto here. He even looks like he’s taken a couple of puppies as hostages, the sign of a truly malevolent bastard – probably not the vibe he was going for here.
Listen Sanders, Christmas is about turkey trimmings, not greasy KFC chicken. No amount of Christmas singalong albums is going to change that so give it up, old man.
Good thing this guy is wearing sunglasses to protect his eyes from the glaring sunshine you get in December. At night. While it’s snowing.
Can someone please inform Santa he’s supposed to bring glad tidings to all men? His stare here’s of a man about to lump you round the head with a pool cue in a North Pole Weatherspoons. Nice bangs though.
Jimmy Pelham’s ‘Santa! Watch Your Claws’ cover looks like a scene from an x-rated Eastenders holiday special. Terrible, just terrible.
“Real kittens sing 20 holiday classics!” boasts the cover to ‘Jingle Cats’. Just to clarify, everyone knows that cats have no reckoning of Christmas, no grasp of the English language, no understanding of the concept of rhythm or melody and definitely cannot sing, right? Jesus wept.