Baggy dungarees, Macaulay Culkin, dickheads in monkey suits and more.
Back in the '90s, before our attention spans were reduced to those of hamsters by the internet, people used to sit in front of MTV for hours on end. Of course, music videos were pretty different back then, and a lot of their staples you barely see nowadays. From backward baseball caps to Jason Statham with his balls out, here's a few things that have disappeared from videos since those heady days.
Enormous amounts of cash: Back in 1995, Sony splashed out a since-unheard-of $7m on the 'Scream' video, just so Michael and Janet Jackson could look weird in a white room. They might as well have shot them into actual space. Actually, who's to say they didn't? Maybe the ghost of Jacko's still up there, squeezing his ectoplasmic crotch in the International Space Station.
Bouncing cars: One of the more extraordinary video tropes of the 1990s was rappers dicking about with hydraulics on classic American cars, causing them to jump up and down like a puppy reaching for a doggie treat. Dr Dre's 'Still Dre' is the exemplar of the genre, and his queasy tummy afterwards is the precise reason for 'Detox''s no-show.
Backwards baseball caps: There was nothing more hip-hop in 1991 than Michael Stipe hopping about with a B-52 in REM's 'Shiny Happy People' video while wearing a backwards baseball cap. You see, back then, backwards caps were a statement of rebellion - a sartorial sign that you simply refuse to kow-tow to The Man and his sensibly worn hats, maaaan!
Teenage girls in school uniform: The slew of female pop stars back then who dressed like they'd just busted out of GCSE geography is pretty much unthinkable now - a tad too '1970s Top Of The Pops presenter fantasy' to happen in the 21st century. Back in 1999, Britney Spears could deck herself out like this for '…Baby One More Time' and there'd barely be a think piece about it.
Macaulay Culkin: You don't see Macaulay Culkin much at all these days. Unless of course you also share a flat with reported housemate Pete Doherty or happen to love pizza-themed novelty bands. In 1991, the still fresh-faced Culkin pretended to rap in that man Jacko's 'Black Or White' epic. Come back, Mac!
Impossibly baggy clothes and dungarees: No early 1990s hip-hop or R&B video was complete without trousers so baggy they'd make Madness's Suggs shit his pants in admiration. TLC were the doyennes of this. In their early videos from 1992, they wore clothes big enough to fit fellow R&B trio Sisters With Voices in there too, which may explain their rivals' whereabouts.
Jason Statham: Jason Statham donned a pair of leopard-print budgie-smugglers for rave clowns The Shamen's 'Comin' On' music video. Hopefully one day those Fast & Furious movies will dry up and the beast will be unleashed once more.
Supermodels: Legendary 1980s supermodel Linda Evangelista wouldn't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day, so it must have a sizeable wad that George Michael blew persuading her to star in his 'Freedom 90' and 'Too Funky' videos, alongside other glam Amazonians from the world of fashion. Do supermodels even exist nowadays?
Mystery!: No one gives a flying monkey what's going on in videos in 2015, but in 1995 watercooler conversations fizzed with wonder at why that bloke was lying on the ground for Radiohead's 'Just'. Is it the end of the world? Can he hear moles? Is there no answer whatsoever really and it's simply yet another example of Thom Yorke's zany sense of humour?
Aphex Twin scaring the bejesus out of us: Richard James doesn't bother his arse with videos at all now. In the late '90s he was making the best ones out there, presuming you didn't mind never sleeping again. Whether morphing into a lanky monster screaming at old ladies or slapping his face on women in bikinis, he was as disturbing as a UKIP majority.
Dickheads in monkey suits: See the Bloodhound Gang's 'The Bad Touch'. Or equally, don't. Some things are best left in the '90s.
MC Hammer's shiny harem pants: On the other hand, some '90s things should definitely be resurrected. We're a poorer society for the lack of the kind of baggy-crotched glittery dancing trousers that MC Hammer popularised in 1990's 'U Can't Touch This' video, striking an – ahem – hammer blow for testicular freedom.
Fisherman's hats: Or bucket hats, if you prefer. The hat made its first 1990s appearance in The Stone Roses' 'One Love' video, atop Reni's head. It then took a bit of a break owing to record contract difficulties and other recreational obstacles, before reappearing on Gregg Alexander's bald bonce for New Radicals' 'You Get What You Give' in 1999. Unbeatable pedigree.
The Fonz: Remember when the Happy Days heartthrob turned up in Weezer's classic 'Buddy Holly' video? Sitcom characters almost never intrude on music videos nowadays which if you ask us is "not so good, Al," to quote the video's close. Or maybe it is. No one needs those dolts from The Big Bang Theory turning up in Radiohead's next promo clip.
Boybands dressed top-to-toe in white: Expertly lampooned by Blink-182 in the following year's 'All The Small Things' video, Backstreet Boys' 1999 single 'I Want It That Way' saw these hapless seriousfaces emoting in pure white. It was a trick pulled in earlier examples of the form by Take That and Boyzone, denoting the kind of innocence found nowhere near their touring hotel rooms.
Spike Jonze: Nothing says the fag-end of the '90s like Spike Jonze prancing about in Fatboy Slim's 'Praise You' video. It was so ubiquitous that anyone aged between 35 and 45 still sees it every time they close their eyes. To be fair, the clip was great the first half-dozen times but once it made triple figures you were begging for the Millennium Bug to shut it down for good.
Ludicrously overblown rock bands playing in the desert: Guns N' Roses bossed this music video trend, airlifting Slash into a moody location to widdle his axe, as a typhoon tousled his dreamy locks. See the peerless 'November Rain' and two years later, 'Estranged'.
Alicia Silverstone: Back then, you couldn't look at a video without Hollywood star Alicia Silverstone popping up. As long as it was a video by Aerosmith, that is. She appeared in the clips for 'Cryin'', 'Amazing' and 'Crazy', none of which were as shit as the 'Batman & Robin' movie she did with Arnie "Mr Freeze!" Schwarzenegger.
Pretending to be John Lennon: No one pretends to be John Lennon anymore, not now Beady Eye are gone, and certainly not until the Oasis reunion at Glastonbury on 28 June (LOL). The Gallaghers nailed it for 1996's 'Don't Look Back In Anger' video, mainly by wearing round spectacles and hanging around a big white mansion.
Radiation masks: Stafford breakbeat duo Altern-8 were the kings of this particular trend, large-ing it in masks and chemical suits in their 1991 'Activ-8' video. Handy for imbibing Vick's Vaporub just as the hardcore rise kicks in.
Beastie Boys larking around: A poignant one, this, because the Beasties only gave up the band when the much-missed Adam Yauch shuffled off this mortal gold chain. After their '80s frat-boy antics they only got sillier, going Ghostbusters chic for 'Intergalactic' and ludicrous '70s cop (with a touch of Eddie Shoestring, 40+ readers) for 'Sabotage'. Unparalleled tomfoolery.
Rave faces: You know, like you're a goldfish. Usually coupled – coincidentally – with wavy arms miming a big fish, then a little fish, then said fish being placed in a box. Check out videos from Slipmatt & Lime, Utah Saints, Sunscreem, Together, Smart E's and of course the Prodigy.
Massive suits on old rock stars: The kind of suit that David Byrne messed around in for Talking Heads' Stop Making Sense film became a reality in the next decade, most tastelessly in Genesis's 'I Can't Dance' video, which saw the trio in tailoring big enough to lose a rhino in. They also coupled short leather jackets with baggy jeans, like your dad.