24 Horrendously Unromantic Song Lyrics

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Bob Dylan: “Idiot wind blowing every time you move your teeth / You're an idiot babe / It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe” (‘Idiot Wind’)

Bob Dylan, proving what a charmer he can be when he puts his mind to it.

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David Guetta: “I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl / Without being disrespectful / Damn you’re a sexy bitch”(‘Sexy Bitch’)

No, because that’s not disrespectful at all. Given that English isn’t David’s first language we’ll forgive him, the connard. Sorry, that wasn’t disrespectful was it?

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Geri Halliwell: “I wanna have your baby / Gotta have you like crazy / And iron your shirts” (‘Half of Me’)

Mel C held the award for worst post-Spice Girls lyric and looked unlikely to ever relinquish that dubious accolade, until Geri hit the comeback trail with this stinker. ‘I couldn't live without my phone, but you don't even have a home,’ at least attempted to rhyme.

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Kanye West: “If we die in each other's arms / We still get laid in the afterlife” (‘Lost in the World’)

Kanye takes the core idea of ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’ and crushes the romance out of it by revealing a desire for a quick, posthumous legover in the hereafter. On this drizzly Valentines Day, here are 24 more odious odes to love to laugh at and lament upon.

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Magnetic Fields: “I want you crawling back to me down on your knees, yeah / Like an appendectomy sans anesthesia" (‘You Must Be Out Of Your Mind’)

Stephin Merritt is not a man known for his charity, and he’s not a man who’d usually deliver a rhyme as weak and tenuous as this one. We’ll let him off though as he appears to be having a bad day.

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Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: “She was a catch / we were a match / I was the match that would fire up her snatch” (“Mermaids”)

Antipodean nosferatu Nick Cave has written some of the darkest, most stunning love lyrics of the last three decades or so. These probably aren’t some of those.

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Pulp: “You can tell me some lies about the good times that you've had / But I've kissed your mother more than twice and now I'm working on your Dad” (‘Pencil Skirt)’

Jarvis at his lascivious best and keeping it in the family on Pulp’s mid 90’s masterpiece, ‘A Different Class’.

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The Smiths: “There were times when I could have strangled her. But you know, I would hate anything to happen to her. Would you please let me see her?” (‘Girlfriend in a Coma’)

Morrissey, as ever, is all heart. “Oh, would you like to marry me, and if you like you can buy the ring?” is another beauty (from ‘William, It Was Really Nothing’).

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