50 moderately amusing music jokes

With help from our users, we've compiled a list music-related gags for your amusement. Starting with... My laptop’s fucked. It keeps playing ‘Chasing Pavements’ on a loop. Think it’s a Dell.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one. He's never going to give you Up.

Worst Christmas present ever: a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

Q: Why couldn't Anthony Kiedis get his DVD player to work? A: He had a scart issue (via @HackneyTim).

Q: Did you hear Sophie Ellis Bextor died at the home of a footballer? A: People are saying it was murder on Zidane's floor (via @fongchau).

What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. (via @jamiewolpert)

Q: Why did George Michael have chocolate all over his balls? A: He was careless with his Wispa.

Q: What’s the first sign of madness? A: Suggs walking up your driveway.

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That's me in the Korma.

Me: "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Kenneth: "Everybody Hz."

Q: What do you call a dog with two cocks? A: N-Dubz.

Q: Why did KT Tunstall fall over unexpectedly? A: It was suddenly icy (via @garydunion).

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees. I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face (via @LouiseKPhillips).

Two Beach Boys walk into a bar. "Round?" "Round." "Get a round?" "I'll get a round!" (via @Davebyard).

Q: What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off? A: Limp Bizkit.

Q: How come U2 still haven't found what they're looking for? A: Because the streets have no names.

Q: What's the difference between God and Bono? A: God doesn’t walk round Dublin thinking he's Bono.

U2 are playing Live Aid. Inbetween songs Bono starts clapping solemnly, pronouncing "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa starves to death". A bloke in the audience shouts: "Stop fucking clapping then!"

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Razorlight’s Andy Burrows walks into a bar. Barman says: 'Why the long face?'

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
 A: Fo' drizzle.

Q: What does Snoop Dogg wash his clothes with?
 A: Blee-aach.

Q: What does Snoop use to wash his car? 
A: His ho's.

Q: What is Snoop Dogg’s favorite tool? 
A: Da chisel.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s marriage was bound to fail. They had career differences. He didn’t have one.

How many indie hipsters does it take to change a lighbulb? It's an obscure number, you probably haven't heard it. (via @delkirbio).

What do vegetarians order at a soul food restaurant? The Ike and Tina Tuna. (via @simplynorris).

Q: What do hip-hop muscians put on their cuts and grazes ? A: Ghetto plasters (via @BMWavesblog).

Did you hear William Shatner once married Stevie Nicks? She changed her name to Stevie Shatner-Nicks (via @lankeymarlon).

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and James Brown? A: Ferguson is playing Giggs this year (via @jonmcclure)

What do you get when you mix stadium rock with indie rock? Freddie Mercury Rev. (via @simplynorris).

What do you get when you mix power pop with hip hop? Fountains of Lil' Wayne. (via @simplynorris)

Q: What do you call an overweight computer? A: A Dell.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz II Men? A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A: His personality.

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer.

Q: How can you tell when the drum riser is level? A: 
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Arnie is invited to a famous composers' fancy dress party. When asked who he is going as, he replies: "I'll be Bach." (via @yeahitsjames).

Q: Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? A: 'Cause he was Haydn.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas. Said it was the best book he’d ever read.