David Brent’s Best Quotes – 21 Of His Most Cringe-Inducing Lines From The Office

Rewind the clock and enjoy 21 of David Brent’s best quotes from The Office


“When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.” (Season 1, Episode 1)


“I’m sure Texas couldn’t run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn’t do what…actually, I could do what they do, and I think they knew it back then. Probably what spurred them on.” (Season 1, Episode 4, after he reveals his band Foregone Conclusion were once supported by Texas)


“A sergeant major spends his time training his men to be killers. He doesn’t polish his own boots. He probably does polish his own boots, but, you know, that doesn’t mean I have to do my own filing.” (Season 1, Episode 5)



“An amateur will stitch up a professional.” (Season 2, Episode 1)


“Some straight women like it the wrong way. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay. One in 10, apparently. That seems a bit high. You might be. If you are, good luck to you. Just make sure it’s legal and be safe.” (Season 2, Episode 1)


“You will never work in a place like this again. It’s brilliant. Fact. And you’ll never have another boss like me, someone who’s basically a chilled-out entertainer.” (Season 2, Episode 1)


“I know an alcoholic and it’s no laughing matter – particularly for his wife. She’s got alopecia, so not a happy home life.” (Season 2, Episode 2)



(Talking about The Corrs) “I’d push the brother out of the room, bend them all over, do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays violin.” (Season 2, Episode 3)


“Who says famine has to be depressing?” (Season 2, Episode 5)


“I can wake up one morning and go, ‘I don’t feel like working today. Can I stay in bed?’ ‘You’d better ask the boss.’ ‘David, can I stay in bed?’ ‘Yes, David.’ Both me. Not me in bed with another bloke called David.” (Season 2, Episode 6)


“If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. Do you know which ‘philosopher’ said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a pair of tits.” (Season 2, Episode 6



“Can I ask you something? Who does your tampons?” (Xmas Special, Part 1)


“You see all these white middle-class fuddy duddies going, ‘Oh, we’ve got to find the new equivalent’. They’re looking in Oxford and Cambridge. No. Dr Dre, yeah. Ice T. They’re the equivalent of Wordsworth.” (Xmas Special, Part 1)


(On Beethoven) “I don’t think he could have done better if he’d heard what he was playing, in my opinion.” (Xmas Special, Part 2)