Exposed: music’s most boring celebrities

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Today we’re taking a look at pop and rock’s most boring celebrities. These are the people that have traded in sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll for model railways and cheese farming. Keep clicking as we expose music’s closet geeks. First up, Christina Aguilera, who’s ditched her x-rated Xtina persona for a life of “playing board games” with her husband.

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Justin Timberlake recently confessed to a love of golf. Four years since his previous record, Timberlake’s television appearances of late have been limited to his pleas for “green golf course management” during live broadcasts. He has even lent his name to a PGA Tour tournament, the
Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospital for Children Open, to be precise.

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Beanpole bassist Nicky Wire may ooze bohemian cool on stage, but his off-tour activities are anything but. Wire told Vox magazine in 1996, “housework’s something I’ve got to do whenever I come home. Hoovering I find quite therapeutic”. It reminds us of their 1996 track ‘Mr
Carbohydrate’: “they call me a boring fuckhead , they say I might as well work in a bank”. Your words Nicky, not ours.

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In 2007, Model Railway Magazine brandished the headline “Exclusive: learn how rock n’roller Rod Stewart builds this city”. Never have so few
word words done so much to damage one man’s sex appeal. Stewart’s model boasts 100ft of track, steam locomotives, skyscrapers, advertisement hoardings and passengers in period hats and coats.

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Kanye West’s video game addiction is well documented, but less known is his ongoing project to design his own game. Rather than opting for gratuitous violence, West’s game allegedly involves battling villainous genitalia, or “giant penis and ghost vagina enemies”, as GamePro magazine reported.

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Nine Inch Nails man Trent Reznor’s suffers an unfortunate Twitter addiction. He first attempted to clean up in 2009, leaving the social network site citing “unattractive, plump girls” as the source of its demise but returned to the scene of his epic 140 character bout with Chris Cornell, before then departing for good.

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The Who frontman Roger Daltrey is the proud owner of a very un-rock ‘n’ roll trout farm – a definite sign of the man who once wailed “I hope I die before I got old” mellowing significantly with age.

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When filming a brief role in Sex And The City, Geri Halliwell was snapped knitting, doing little to help her reputation as ‘boring spice’. Prone to analysing governmental economic performance in children’s magazines, Halliwell was also branded “Tory scum” by Lauren Laverne.

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Having quit the Rolling Stones in 1992, Bill Wyman has since indulged his other passions. A fervent archaeology enthusiast, he’s designed and manufactured his own metal detector, the Bill Wyman Signature Detector, an “easy to use metal detector suitable to newcomers to detecting of all ages that still delivers serious treasure finding performance”.

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Johnny Marr tracked Morrissey for days across Manchester to form the Smiths, whilst Sumner and Hook bought their first guitars immediately following The Sex Pistols notorious Manchester gig in 1976. Unfortunately there is no similarly romantic tale for the establishment of Athlete; they met at Greenbelt, a Christian Rock festival and have been boring audiences for a whole decade now.

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In 2008, Will Smith informed the Daily Mirror that his ageing body could manage little more than a spot of fencing: “Tom Cruise has a room for training; it’s a way of getting together and bonding. We’ve got to watch our joints” he admitted.

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Perhaps a little MOR to curate All Tomorrow’s Parties, Clapton instead organises his own annual cricket match at Bunbury Cricket
Club. Still though, it must be a good laugh, his XI regularly features Phil Collins and Bill Wyman from this very list.

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Tabloid tales continue to surface detailing Robbie William’s various addictions, each one more pedestrian than the last, From booze to painkillers, then to caffeine, and then finally to ice pops. At the herculean height of his caffeine intake, The Daily Mail reported that Williams drank “36 super strength espressos and 20 cans of red bull” every day, leaving him shaky and delirious.

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Whilst being teetotal may be morally laudable, it just seems such a waste of a VIP pass. Leona Lewis told Cosmopolitan magazine “when my single ’Bleeding Love’ went to number one last year I celebrated with non-alcoholic champagne.”

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Alex James’ decision to escape the hedonistic chaos of London’s party scene for the idyllic domesticity of rural Oxfordshire may well have done
wonders for his liver, but not for his rock and roll kudos. Since then he has become a celebrity cheesmaker and even skipped this
year’s Shockwaves NME Awards in favour of “milking wildebeest”.

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