Liam Gallagher’s Most Hilarious One-Liners


On nearly dying after eating M&Ms: “That peanut, man, it nearly tipped me over the edge. It was a fucking blue one and all, the cheeky bastard. I had a fucking M&M and it felt like I’d been shot in the mouth.” (NME, June 2013)


On visitors to his house: “I don’t mind it. Fans turn up wanting pictures. It’s cool, man. No one’s tried to kill me yet. But bring it on!” (NME, June 2013)


On business and brotherly love: “I like Noel outside the band. Human Noel – that’s my brother – I fucking adore him and I’d do anything for him. But the geezer that’s in this fucking business, he’s one of the biggest cocks in the universe.” (NME, June 2013)



On footballers: “[Mario] Balotelli’s a character but he needs to sort his napper out. I like characters – if the world was full of fucking Gary Nevilles, it would be bobbins. He looks like an estate agent.” (BBC Football Focus, April 2011)


On drinking: “At Knebworth I thought we were doing one night and we were doing two. I got that mashed on the first I woke up to a knock on the door and thought I was at home. I forgot all about it. But I had to go and do it again. That was heavy.” (Alan Carr’s Chatty Man, July 2011)


On Radiohead’s The King of Limbs: “I like to think that what we do, we do fucking well. Them writing a song about a fucking tree? Give me a fucking break! A thousand year old tree? Go fuck yourself!” (Thequietus, March 2011)


On Noel, following the press conference announcing the High Flying Birds album: “Shitbag” (Twitter, July 2011)



On the Premiership: “I’m moving back to Manchester if City win the league. I’m going to buy a house next to Mani out of Stone Roses and be a real noisy ******* neighbour – hurl abuse at him over the fence.” (Talksport, May 2012)


On the fashion industry: “90 per cent of the music business is run by idiots and I’ll guess it’s the same for fashion, know what I mean?” (The Telegraph, August 2012)


On the student riots: “I loved it, man. I’m into the violent side of it. I thought it made for fucking great TV. I still think they should get a fucking job, though. But I’m into people getting wound up about things. It’s better than being fucking dead, innit?” (NME, December 2010).


On his brother’s sense of style: “Noel’s got an old man vibe going on, our kid. Big woolly jumpers and cardigans… Terry Wogan, Val Doonican shit.” (NME, August 2009).



On the Glastonbury ‘spirit’: “I fucking hate Glastonbury, mate. I’m only here for the money.” (NME, July 2004).


On the Scissor Sisters: “Bright colours and fucking weirdos on stilts? I’m more entertaining than that shit.” (NME, 2005).


On his morning regime: “I’m up at 6am, me. I’ve got an alarm call and everything. It’s like being in the fookin’ army.” (NME, 2008)


On his emotions: “I suppose I do get sad, but not for too long. I just look in the mirror and go, ‘What a good-looking fuck you are.’” (NME, November 2006).


On Franz Ferdinand: “You look at [Alex Kapranos] and the singer from Right Said Fred. It’s the same person! he’s just gone on the Atkins diet and grown his hair.” (NME, 2005).


On Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong: “Fuck right off. I’m not having him. I just don’t like his head.” (NME. August 2009).


On La Roux: “No way, mate. She’s got man hands.” (NME, August 2009).


On describing bandmates in three words: “Alan White… oh, I can’t do it. I can’t be arsed.” (NME, July 2002).


On pointy shoes: “You know them shoes that just come out at you like a fucking snooker cue?! It’s like, ‘Leave it out, man! You got a license for them bastards or what?’” (NME, March 2009).


On the Blur reunion: “I’m right into it, [because] it’ll finish off the Kaiser Chiefs and put them to bed. There’s nothing worse than a shit Blur.” (The Sun, 2008).


On conquering America: “Americans want grungy people stabbing themselves in the head onstage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don’t get it.” (NME, November 2006).


On his stage demeanour: “I refuse to dance. And I can’t dance anyway. I’m not in a band for that.” (NME, 1994).


On cutting the crap: “It’s about the music and that’s it. I’m not an entertainer. But I do entertain people, see what I mean?” (NME, October 2007).


About taking on Blur: “We said it from Day One, we were the ones who were real, man. We’re just honest, man, and we’re not a bunch of women.” (NME, September 02).


On Bloc Party: “They remind me of a band off University Challenge. Like they’re sitting on a panel.” (NME, July 2005).


On singing: “I’m a better singer than him [Noel]. I’m the man, man.” (NME, December 2008)


On Keith Richards and George Harrison: “They’re jealous and senile and not getting enough fucking meat pies.” (The Sun, October 1997).


On getting vitamin injections: “Here you go, eat your heart out Pete Doherty, you crackhead! That whinger!” (NME, October 2007).


On the Oasis live experience: “You’ve seen one of our gigs, you’ve seen ’em all.” (The Times, 2007).


On the paparazzi: “It’s good people living on your doorstep and looking through your bins. Gives me a kick up the arse. Otherwise I’d just sit around getting fat.” (The Guardian, 2006).


On celebrity mates: “Our kid hangs around with all these strange people with long hair – Russell Brand sorts – and that’s just not my cup of tea.”


On Victoria Beckham’s literary aspirations: “She can’t even chew gum and walk in a straight line, let alone write a book.” (NME, September 2001).


Spreading the love for Amy and Pete: “I don’t give a fuck about her, I don’t give a fuck about the other dick and I don’t give a fuck about any of ‘em.” (NME, September 2008).


On being a softie at heart: “I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.” (, July 2005).


On Jack White: “The White Stripes? Fooking rubbish. School ties? At the age of 24? Fooking hell.” (NME, July 2002)


On Pete Doherty (again): “What does the word Libertine mean? Freedom! He’s in the corner doing smack with a helmet on his head. There’s nothing free about that. It’s nasty.” (NME, 2005).


On ambition: “If I wasn’t a musician I don’t know. I’d be God, maybe? That would be a good job.” (The Sun, 2005).


On Coldplay and Radiohead: “I don’t hate them, I don’t wish they had accidents. I think their fans are boring and ugly and don’t look like they’re having a good time.” (The Guardian, August 2008).


On the Beatles Vs God: “It’s got to be being in the Beatles. When was the last time God made a decent record?” (Rolling Stone, October 2008).


On Ozzy Osbourne: “How come everyone thinks he’s great? He’s a bit of a fooking mong, if you ask me.” (NME, July 02).


On running over Noel: “Bastard! That taxi missed! If I was driving I would have fucking had you, man.” (NME, October 2007).


On Brother: “Them little fucking wankers? Yeah, I’ve heard about them. What is it they call themselves, ‘gritpop’? They’re just fucking little posh kids with tattoos, man.” (NME, December 2010).