Noel Gallagher’s 50 Funniest Quotes

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On NME: “If you see an NME journalist at any of the gigs (and let's face it, they're pretty easy to spot; they don't stray far from hospitality, wear God-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - got dreadful hair and that kind of “mug me” look about them), give 'em a clip round the earhole from me and tell 'em to behave.” (MySpace, June 2009)

4the last shadow puppets

the last shadow puppets (alex turner and miles kane) Dean Chalkley
On ageing: "I don’t stay up for two or three days on end, fuckin’ talking shit about aliens, but I’m becoming more of a belligerent old man, you know what I mean? It’s the usual. When you get to a certain age you find that other people’s opinions don’t really matter anymore, and you get kind of uncomfortable with your place in modern life." (The Clash, October 2008)

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On ambition: "You want to sell 5,000 limited-edition red vinyl seven-inches, that's fine. Make music for a closet full of people in Bradford somewhere ... but it doesn't mean anything to anyone. Phil Collins has got to be chased out of the charts, and Wet Wet Wet. It's the only way to do it, man, to fucking get in there among them and stamp the fuckers out." (The Guardian, Sept 1994)

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noel gallagher for the nme feature shot in black island studios
On his guitar playing: “I'm average at fucking best.” (Total Guitar, January 2009)

8Noel Gallagher Little Noise Sessions - London

PLEASE NOTE THIS PICTURE NOT TO BE USED AFTER 2 DECEMBER 2006. FOR FURTHER USAGE PLEASE CONTACT PRESS ASSOCIATION OR HALL OR NOTHING (0208 740 6288). Noel Gallagher performs in concert as part of the MENCAP Little Noise Sessions, at the Union Chapel in Islington, north London.
On the death of guitar music: “They've been saying it for 30 years, ever since The Beatles split up, you know, that rock'n'roll's dead. When ever there's a boom there's always a bit of a lull afterwards. I suppose that avant garde punk rock will come back for a while, and it will all be shit again, and then guitar music will come back.” (Total Guitar, December 1998)

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Style: "dc_oasis_250806_f03" Dean Chalkley
On life on tour: “Got thrown out of a taxi this morning. At least I think I did. Hard to tell over here. There was shouting and pointing and then the international hand signal for 'Get the fuck out of my cab, you western dog!'” (MySpace, March 2009)

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11Glastonbury Festival 1995 - Robbie Williams and noel gallagher

Robbie Williams and noel gallagher at Glastonbury 1995
On the press: “Well, they're just waiting for us to make some monumental f---up, and they hope to be around when it happens. We've got to get one step ahead of those fellows.” (San Francisco Chronicle, January 1998)

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On regrets: “I wish we'd let '(What's the Story) Morning Glory?' settle and go away. It was still Number 5 in the Billboard 100 when we started making 'Be Here Now'. I wish someone who's paid to be bright and clever had told us to go away and do a bit of living.” (Spin, Sept 2009)

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14Oasis Photocall - London

Oasis band member Noel Gallagher is pictured during a photocall at Wembley Stadium, where the band announced their biggest ever tour of open air venues in the UK and Ireland next summer. Pa Photos
On the possibility of a live album: “We're going to do a live album when I run out of ideas for songs, or if Liam starts writing Oasis songs (ha ha ha).” (NY Rock, December 1997)

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On drugs: "If there were gold medals for taking drugs for England I would have won a shitload." (Parkinson, Nov 2006)

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Style: "dc_oasis_250806_f03" Dean Chalkley
On Kaiser Chiefs 'being wankers': “Well, they are, though. The worst thing about them is that they’re not very good. They play dress-up and sit on top of an apex of meaninglessness. They don’t mean anything to anybody apart from their fucking ugly girlfriends.” (Time Out: Chicago, December 2008)

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oasis in rehersal studio Dean Chalkley
On Keane: “I feel sorry for Keane. No matter how hard they try they’ll always be squares. Even if one of them started injecting heroin into onto his cock people would go ‘Yeah but your dad was a vicar, good night’.” (Herald Sun, October 2008).

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21TV show 'Wetten, dass...?' in Duesseldorf

Singer Liam Gallagher (R) and Noel Gallagher (L) of the band Oasis perform at the German television show 'Wetten, dass...?' ('Bet that...?') in Duesseldorf, Germany, 28 February 2009. Photo: Rolf Vennenbernd Pa Photos
On brotherly relations: “I like to think I keep it real. Liam keeps it surreal, and somewhere between the two we get on all right.” (The Daily Telegraph, Februaury 2007)

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oasis at the roundhouse 26 10 08 Dean Chalkley
On the worst possible psychological torture: “Being sat beside Liam on a 15-hour flight. It happened just the once, going to Japan or somewhere. It's just horrible.” (Melody Maker, December 1999)

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On global warming: "You can’t blame rock stars for global warming when the Chinese, the Indians and the Americans have been pumping out shit into the atmosphere for the last 100 years." (Herald Sun, October 2008)

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On free downloads: “I’m not giving my records away for free. If nobody fuckin' buys them then... They’re not going out for free.” (The Clash, October 2008)

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Oasis Andy Whitton
On Liam: “He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.” (Q, April 2009)

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Dean Chalkley
On the Beckhams: “Why is Posh Beckham writing a fucking book of her memoirs? she can't even chew chewing gum and walk in a fucking straight line at the same time, let alone write a book.” (NME, September 2001)

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Liam Gallagher, Oasis singer Pa Photos
On religion: “The World of God is in the Bible, right? And in the Bible it doesn't mention dinosaurs, so that quite not be truth. 'Coz if God created the human first, where did the fuckin' dinosaurs came from?“ (ViaX, October 2006)

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29Shockwaves NME Awards 2005 - Hammersmith Palais

Noel Gallagher receives the Best Music DVD Award - on behalf of Oasis for 'Definately Maybe'. PA
On status: “You have to see us in league with The Rolling Stones now. Everybody's heard of the Stones, everybody knows what they sound like, everybody knows what they do. You either go because you like it or you don't. It's easy.” (Rolling Stone, November 2008)

30Oasis / Don't Believe the Truth

Oasis / Don't Believe the Truth
On regrets: "One of the worst things that ever happened to me was when I said that thing about Blur [in an interview in 1995, Gallagher said he hoped Damon Albarn and Alex James would "get Aids", which he later retracted and apologised for]. My mam rang me up when she saw that and she was really angry and she said to me 'I didn't bring you up to talk like that'." (Irish Times, October 2008)

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Liam Gallagher, vocalist for the group Oasis, performs during the MTV Video Music Awards in New York Wednesday, Sept. 4, 1996. (AP Photo/Bebeto Matthews) Pa Photos
On Liam: “I read these interviews with him and I don’t know who the guy is who’s in these interviews, he seems really cool, because the guy I’ve been in a band with for the last 18 years is a fucking knobhead.” (Herald Sun, October 2008)

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Andy Willsher
On credibility: "Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He's supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking... I'm not having that, that's fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it's like doing a fucking gig for McDonald's." (NME, December 2005)

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On drugs: “Didn't go into rehab like all me mates did - fucking lightweights.” (Q, December 1999)

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Pa Photos
On meeting Tony Blair: “I don't have a crystal ball. I didn't see he was going to turn into a cunt. I was 30, off me head on drugs, and everyone telling me we were the greatest band since who knows. Then the prime minister invites you round for a glass of wine. It all becomes part of the high.” (Spin, Sept 2009)

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NME A Adrian Green
On Thom Yorke: “No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, 'We're all doomed', at the end of the day people will always want to hear you play 'Creep'. Get over it.” (The Daily Telegraph, February 2007)

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NME E Kevin Westenberg
On U2: "Play ‘One’, shut the fuck up about Africa." (The Daily Telegraph, February 2007)

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NME F Kevin Westenberg
On an Oasis opera: “I don't think two blokes having the same fucking argument for 16 years over and over is the stuff of opera. Oasis: The Opera would be very short.” (Spin, Sept 2009)

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Danny North
On Oasis live: “This is rock 'n' roll, not a charity handout. I don’t care who you are, why you’re here, what you expect. If you buy the ticket then you’re going to get the show we put on. And if you don’t like it, you know what you can do.” (Dw World, March 2003)

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42Boxing - IBF Light-Welterweight - Paulie Malignaggi v Ricky Hatton - MGM Grand Hotel

Liam Gallagher and Noel hold up England's Ricky Hatton Belts before defeating USA's Paulie Malignaggi during the IBF Light-Welterweight fight at the MGM Grand Hotel, Las Vegas, USA. Pa Photos
On Blur: "Damon Albarn is a fucking knobber. And his guitarist - who I thought was all right - seems to think that he's some intelligent superhuman being, the fucking idiot. I never met the drummer and the bassist, who I first didn't like and thought he was a cunt, turned out to be quite all right. But I don't like the music, and I don't like the singer." (NY Rock, December 1997)

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Oasis at V Festival 2009 by Richard Johnson ©2009
On religion: “I certainly don’t believe in religion, although I find it fascinating that it’s become so powerful in the world and it’s kind of dictated morals down through societies for thousands of years, but I don’t see the hand of God at work in the world anywhere.” (Clash Magazine, October 2008) Pic: Richard Johnson

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Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher performs on stage during the Brit Awards 2007 at Earls Court Exhibition Centre in central London. Pa Photos
On 'Wonderwall': “The Who always play 'I Can't Explain'; and we'll always play 'Wonderwall'. People ask us if we get bored of it. You can't get bored of 15,000 people shouting for 'Wonderwall'. That's better than drugs. You get a hard-on when you hear that.” (Q, December 1999)

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Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher performing live at Marlay Park, Dublin, Ireland. Mark Doyle/allactiondigital.com Pa Photos
On 'Be Here Now': “If you're given a blank cheque to record an album and as much studio time as you want you're hardly gonna be focused. There's a pub round the corner and Kentucky Fried Chicken - you just get lazy.” (Q, December1999)

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Style: "dc_oasis_250806_f03" Dean Chalkley/NME
On literature vs rock 'n' roll: “People who write and read and review books are fucking putting themselves a tiny little bit above the rest of us who fucking make records and write pathetic little songs for a living … I don’t get it. Book sellers, book readers, book writers, book owners – fuck all of them.” (GQ, October 2013)
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