Robbie Williams, Brian Wilson, and R.E.M. – When rap goes wrong

1
Who:

Who: Justin Bieber. Where: A local radio appearance. Why? Oh Baby, why? JB spits his rhymes over Jay-Z and Kanye’s ‘Otis’, makes us think of another white Canadian rapper: Snow.

2
Who:

Who: Robbie Williams. Where: ‘Rudebox’. Why? A wacky little number about Robbie’s ‘Rudebox’ which namechecks TK Maxx, tan lines and bus passes. You can take the boy out of Stoke…

3
Who:

Who:

Who: Madonna. Where:’American Life’. Why? Because “rapping about what you know” isn’t cool if “what you know” is having several nannies, going to an exclusive gym and downing soy lattes.

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4
Who:

Who:

Who: Snow Patrol. Where: ‘Crazy In Love’. Why? If Snow Patrol’s “drunk wedding band” take on ‘Crazy In Love’ isn’t bad enough than Gary Lightbody’s ‘impression’ of Jay-Z (via Vanilla Ice) is terrifying.

5
Who:

Who: The View.Where: ‘One Off Pretenders’. Why? Goodness, Kyle’s rap antics are rather unwanted and, for some reason, provide the centre point to ‘One Off Pretender’.

6
Who:

Who:

Who: REM. Where: ‘Radio Song’. Why? Clearly old Stipey had overdosed on the old Quorn burgers when he rap-scatted his way into the ‘Out Of Time’ opener.

7
Who:

Who: Pete Doherty. Where: An interview where he covers Derek B. Why: Proof that he WILL do anything for some drugs. Allegedly.

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8
Who:

Who:

Who: Joaquin Phoenix. Where: In the film ‘I’m Still Here’. Why? The career change from actor to rapper hoax was all faked and yet he’s probably a more convincing rapper than half the people on this list.

9
Who:

Who: Mr T. Where: ‘Treat Your Mother Right’.Why? Mr T attempts to jump onto the ‘rap’ bandwagon, sadly a lifetime of steroid abuse has taken its toll on his delivery.

10
Who:

Who: Soulja Boy. Where: ‘Crank That (Soulja Boy)’. Why? His flow is like Lil Wayne after some serious brain surgery.

11
Who:

Who: Anne Hathaway. Where: On ‘The Conan O’Brien’ show. Why? Why indeed? Hathaway misjudges his cute factor again by doing this ‘impromtu’ rap about the paparazzi. Not cute at all.

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12
Who:

Who: Tom Jones. Where: ‘Black Betty’. Why? Jones stumbles during his awkward early noughties re-invention. Blame Wyclef.

13
Who:

Who: Kevin Federline. Where: ‘Popo Zao’. Why? Some evenings Britney listens to this and weeps. But not for the reason you think.

14
Who:

Who: Ron Jeremy. Where: ‘Freak Of The Week’. Why? He might be an, um, prodigious adult movie star but he’s a limp rapper.

15
Who:

Who: Aaron Carter. Where: ‘I Would’. Why? Like a proto-Bieber, AC gives us this kiddie rap attack.

16
Who:

Who: Duran Duran. Where: ‘White Lines’. Why? Hearing Simon Le Bon rapping Grandmaster Melle Mel’s song makes us want to hide behind the sofa in embarrassment.

17
Who:

Who: Brian Wilson. Where: ‘Smart Girls’. Why? Clearly Mr Wilson was in the throes of the kind of mind-melding psychoanalysis that exists only in LA when he recorded this. We say: fire the therapist!

18
Who:

Who:

Who: Dee Dee Ramone. Where: ‘Funky Man’. Why? We imagine this is what Animal from ‘The Muppets’ would sound like if he took up MCing.

19
Who:

Who:

Who: Anthony Kiedis. Where: Red Hot Chili Peppers’ ‘All Around The World’. Why? Oh dear. Kiedis sounds like a gym-botherer hanging around muscle beach as he ‘drops’ his ‘flow’.

20
Who:

Who: John Barnes. Where: New Order’s ‘World In Motion’. Why? New Order do the unimaginable – an excellent football song. Then John Barnes spoils it with his terrible ‘skillz’.

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