Who: Justin Bieber. Where: A local radio appearance. Why? Oh Baby, why? JB spits his rhymes over Jay-Z and Kanye’s ‘Otis’, makes us think of another white Canadian rapper: Snow.
Who: Robbie Williams. Where: ‘Rudebox’. Why? A wacky little number about Robbie’s ‘Rudebox’ which namechecks TK Maxx, tan lines and bus passes. You can take the boy out of Stoke…
Who: Madonna. Where:’American Life’. Why? Because “rapping about what you know” isn’t cool if “what you know” is having several nannies, going to an exclusive gym and downing soy lattes.
Who: Snow Patrol. Where: ‘Crazy In Love’. Why? If Snow Patrol’s “drunk wedding band” take on ‘Crazy In Love’ isn’t bad enough than Gary Lightbody’s ‘impression’ of Jay-Z (via Vanilla Ice) is terrifying.
Who: The View.Where: ‘One Off Pretenders’. Why? Goodness, Kyle’s rap antics are rather unwanted and, for some reason, provide the centre point to ‘One Off Pretender’.
Who: REM. Where: ‘Radio Song’. Why? Clearly old Stipey had overdosed on the old Quorn burgers when he rap-scatted his way into the ‘Out Of Time’ opener.
Who: Pete Doherty. Where: An interview where he covers Derek B. Why: Proof that he WILL do anything for some drugs. Allegedly.
Who: Joaquin Phoenix. Where: In the film ‘I’m Still Here’. Why? The career change from actor to rapper hoax was all faked and yet he’s probably a more convincing rapper than half the people on this list.
Who: Mr T. Where: ‘Treat Your Mother Right’.Why? Mr T attempts to jump onto the ‘rap’ bandwagon, sadly a lifetime of steroid abuse has taken its toll on his delivery.
Who: Soulja Boy. Where: ‘Crank That (Soulja Boy)’. Why? His flow is like Lil Wayne after some serious brain surgery.
Who: Anne Hathaway. Where: On ‘The Conan O’Brien’ show. Why? Why indeed? Hathaway misjudges his cute factor again by doing this ‘impromtu’ rap about the paparazzi. Not cute at all.
Who: Tom Jones. Where: ‘Black Betty’. Why? Jones stumbles during his awkward early noughties re-invention. Blame Wyclef.
Who: Kevin Federline. Where: ‘Popo Zao’. Why? Some evenings Britney listens to this and weeps. But not for the reason you think.
Who: Ron Jeremy. Where: ‘Freak Of The Week’. Why? He might be an, um, prodigious adult movie star but he’s a limp rapper.
Who: Aaron Carter. Where: ‘I Would’. Why? Like a proto-Bieber, AC gives us this kiddie rap attack.
Who: Duran Duran. Where: ‘White Lines’. Why? Hearing Simon Le Bon rapping Grandmaster Melle Mel’s song makes us want to hide behind the sofa in embarrassment.
Who: Brian Wilson. Where: ‘Smart Girls’. Why? Clearly Mr Wilson was in the throes of the kind of mind-melding psychoanalysis that exists only in LA when he recorded this. We say: fire the therapist!
Who: Dee Dee Ramone. Where: ‘Funky Man’. Why? We imagine this is what Animal from ‘The Muppets’ would sound like if he took up MCing.
Who: Anthony Kiedis. Where: Red Hot Chili Peppers’ ‘All Around The World’. Why? Oh dear. Kiedis sounds like a gym-botherer hanging around muscle beach as he ‘drops’ his ‘flow’.
Who: John Barnes. Where: New Order’s ‘World In Motion’. Why? New Order do the unimaginable – an excellent football song. Then John Barnes spoils it with his terrible ‘skillz’.