Got a birthday or BBQ coming up? Don’t just stick your iPod on and hope for the best: book your favourite band to swing by yours for a private performance! Here’s how much spare change you’ll need to afford them, according to a report put together by Business Insider. Like Prince? He’ll set you back up to £1.15M.
According to the reports Canada’s finest, Arcade Fire, can command up to £800,000. Though you’ll probably have to fork out another couple of thousand pounds converting the front door of your house for them to fit their bobbleheads through.
Also in a similar price bracket is pint-sized pocket pop star Bruno Mars, who’ll request approximately £590,000, should you want to book him. If you can convince Pepsi your Gran’s 70th is as big a global event as the Superbowl, who knows, they might chip in.
Jay Z’s private performances are known to almost cost around the £600K mark too. Word of warning – don’t allow him too big a guestlist, unless you want Kanye hoovering up all the vol-au-vents before any one gets near ’em. That guy bloody loves a flakey French pastry.
Look at him. I mean, really look at him. You think Mick Jagger would just pop around your crusty digs for any less than $1,000,000? Rolling Stones routinely get up to $1,499,999 for shows. That’s around £880,000.
The Black Keys know where it’s at. Only have two band members, and the £590,000 they reportedly charge for shows goes way, way further. That’s good business sense, boys.
Nation’s sweetheart and perennial pavement-chaser Adele would like to play your party, but not for less than £440,000 thank you very much.
It’d be a neat marketing trick for Blink-182 to charge £182 for a private gig, wouldn’t it? They don’t reckon so, and would much rather you cough up roughy £400,000 for an audience with the pop-punk champions, if that’s quite alright.
Peroxide hair dye ain’t cheap, so it’s just as well Eminem can command up to approximately £600K for shows, isn’t it?
It must be the cost of constantly oiling that machine of hers or something, but Florence Welch commands around the same price as Eminem for her shows. Phwoar.
He might party with his own son on stage, but if you want Billie Joe Armstrong and his Green Day gang to rock out with your own little offspring, it’ll set you back upwards of £440,000. You’d be an idiot, American or otherwise, not to.
Cost to hire Muse for a private event? Around £600,000. Additional electricity costs from all those TVs? God knows. Make sure you’ve popped a couple of quid in the meter before their set, folks.
Brandon Flowers: the man, the legend. Book him for your nan’s birthday for just half a million dollars. She’ll bloody love it.
£290,000. That’s the cost of Mr Chris Martin and his Coldplay peers for the evening. Pay that and you can consciously uncouple from the idea of ever sending your kids to college.
Want just Dave Grohl? Alone? Nobody else? (Not like that). Stump up just £146,000 and the man will treat you to an acoustic performance, say Business Insider.
Don’t spend your dosh on silly pumped up kicks! Splash yer cash on an audience with Foster The People instead. That’ll be just be in the region of £440,000 please, squire.
“This is it – the apocalypse,” goes ‘Radioactive’, Imagine Dragons’ breakout hit. Expect your accountant to be uttering something remarkably similar when you shell out £400K for a private show from them.
Have yourself a beautiful dark twisted fantastic party by hiring the one and only Kanye West. That’ll be £200,000 please. What!? The guy’s got to put his compass-named brood through university somehow.
The Bruce Willis Blues Band. Yes, you read that right. John McClane did actually dabble in a recording career before he became an international star with the release of Die Hard. We’ve heard that if you relentlessly heckle him shouting “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”, he’ll dart you a bashful smile. Or murder you. All for the tidy cost of £175,000.
Having just released ‘Ultraviolence’, there would really be no better time to hire Lana Del Rey to play your BBQ. Problem is, she’s kinda in demand right now, so she does currently carry a £175,000 price tag. But it’s okay. Don’t be sad. Docking stations balanced on a stool in your garden emitting tinny audio of ‘Video Games’ is almost as good.
Do you like fancy dress? Okay. Do you like uniformed fancy dress involving red caps? Right. Do you like face and body paint too? You do!? Then have we got the band for you! For just £175,000, nu-metal cavemen Limp Bizkit can play your sister’s 12th birthday party. Happy birthday, sweet little Mary-Anne.
Bored of shit music at your parties? Well, sigh no more! Marcus Mumford and his Glastonbury folk-rock cronies can be all yours for the nighty, for just £175,000 smackeroonies.
Like Queens of the Stone Age? You can hire the Hommenator, no problem. That’ll be just £175,000 please. NOTE: Do NOT HIRE THEM ON A BILL NEXT TO IMAGINE DRAGONS. Trust us, that wouldn’t work out so well for you, for them or your garden gazebo.
24Arctic Monkeys – Finsbury Park – 23/05/2014
Arctic Monkeys come hurtling in with a mammoth £115,000 charge. But we won’t be too hard on the Sheffield boys. Firstly, they are brilliant. And Secondly, they are still cheaper than the £1,000,000 price tag Eurovision failure Engelbert Humperdinck carries.
“Look inside of my soul and you can find gold,” rapped Kendrick Lamar on ‘Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe’. Considering Mr Lamar’s £115,000 price tag per booking, perhaps just try his pockets, ya bish?
Fact – Noel Gallagher is basically the dream Come Dine With Me contestant. Shell out £115,000 and you can bring Noel round your home for a set and a sarnie.
“Private schools, daycare, shit, medical bills, I’ll pay that,” the mighty Outkast once rapped. Big Boi, you sure are a generous guy! Except, oh wait a sec, you stopped just short of “free gig round your house” on that little list, so any Outkast mega fans out there, you’ll be doling out £115,000 for the privilege of their company. Soz.
Radiohead are all yours for just £115,000 a night. Not that Radiohead seem to play a lot of private shows.
29Soil & Puddle Of Mud Perform In Sheffield
Seeing as how Puddle of Mudd singer Wes Scantlin was arrested last year for destroying his neighbour’s patio with a chainsaw in a fit of domestic fury, whether or not you want him and his nu-metal chums at your house is seriously up for debate. For £75,000 though, they’re all yours.
Although £75,000 for The Hives may seem like a bit on the steep side, they are an undeniably incredible live band. Do you like fun? YOU DO?! Then you should hire these guys.
Want some Courtney in your life? For a paltry £15,000, you can have a crazy little thing called Love treat you to her awesome catalogue of grunge bangers. YES PLEASE.
322012 Super Bowl Village – Day 7
“Lead me out on the moonlit floor,” sang Sixpence None The Richer on that one song (‘Kiss Me’) all those many moons ago. Does bog-standard carpet suit you instead, guys? Can we lead you out onto that instead? If so, and providing we can find a spare £15,000 knocking about, we’d love to host your for the evening here at NME HQ.
331993 MTV Movie Awards
Can we all agree that, in the midst of a recession, maybe there’s better ways to blow £15,000 than on hiring the Village People for the night? Yes? Good. Thank you.
34The British band Right Said Fred perform
These guys may even pip Village People for the novelty factor. £10,000. That’s the cost of hiring Right Said Fred for the night. For that price, I bet they’re able to afford all sorts of shirts they’re too sexy for.
35The Tonight Show with Jay Leno – Season 9
“Got a bank account bigger than the law should allow,” famously sang Sisquo. Well it’s alright for some, isn’t Sisqo? Damn you and your illegal bank account. Wish we had one of those. For us plebs over here, we’d have to pay a bumper £10,000 to hear you play sex-pest S&B anthem ‘Thong Song’. One day. One day…
36Reading Festival – Day 1
As a musician and political activist, we feel like we should really be respecting Serj Tankian. Serj was awarded an Armenian Prime Minister’s Medal for his efforts to draw attention to the Armenian Genocide. For £10,000, you could have him perform and speak for you and your friends. We’re not going to offer any mildly silly remarks here. Just respect for Serj. What a guy.