We all have people in our lives who loom large but who bug the living
shit out of us when they will not stop [I]griping[/I]. Mates, exes,
tatt’d up writers of multi-million selling albums, whatever, we look at
them and think to ourselves, when are you going to shut the fuck up?
When will this end? ‘Results ‘May Vary’ is like that. You’d like to ignore it, you wish it would go away, but it won’t and you can’t.
It’s five long years since the none-more-shouty Rap Metal fusion of 1999’s ‘Significant Other’ went off like a particularly irate dirty-bomb and the album’s global success created waves that washed up all manner of monstrously ugly fuck-knuckles onto our shores. For a while Limp Bizkit could do no wrong. ‘Break Stuff’, ‘Take A Look Around’ and ‘Rollin” were all great records, each one more hilariously seething than the last. But less than eighteen months later, after the disasters of Woodstock ’99 and the death of a young female fan injured in the moshpit at 2001’s Big Day Out in Australia, Durst, Limp Bizkit, Rap Metal, the whole [I]shtick[/I] looked exhausted. When guitarist Wes Borland announced he was leaving in October 2001 the game seemed up. Limp Bizkit would never be the same again.
So Fred Durst went away and became a celebrity. Fights with Eminem! Sex withBritney! Enormous riches! A shiny new cap! But none of it was making him happy, and thanks to the miracle of recorded sound, now none of it can make us happy either.
Take a look at evidence in the lyrics: [I]”I’m searching for sunshine” (‘Underneath The Gun’), [I]”Summer’s gone for ever more” (‘Down Another Day’), “I will not let you get close until I think you deserve me” (‘Take It Home’), “Most good men don’t cry enough, I cry myself to sleep” (‘The Only One’), “I’m scared of pretty ladies, they act like they’re from Hades, they make my wiener tiny when I like it proud and shiny” (‘Curiously Spurious’). Only one of them is made up. It may not be the one you think.
Durst has revealed he’s been listening to a lot of gloomy music recently. [a][/a], Coldplay, [a][/a] and The Cure have all been bringing an unnatural chill to the LA party. But while those bands coat their naked emotions in illusion and allusion, Durst just sounds like he’s you, chewing your ear off in the corner of an otherwise lively party. “[I]Took a lot of crap as a little boy, locked in a cage as a little boy[/I]” he gripes on ‘Almost Over’ and, best of all he complains about [I]”treated like child as a little boy”[/I]. Is he really angry about that too? Where Robert Smith or Chris Martin would pull you in with language, Durst’s stuck-hinge whinge just makes you want to turn your ears off. I mean, really, who [I]gives[/I] a shit?
Where once the Bizkit raged, now they thrum. Acoustic guitars appear (‘Build A Bridge’), [a][/a]’s epic gloom pops up (‘Underneath The Gun’), basses twiddle themselves towards some imagined jazz mecca (‘Lonely World’), a muso ghost hovers nearly everywhere, there’s a hideous cover of The Who’s ‘Behind Blue Eyes’, it [I]screams[/I] midlife crisis.
“I want to weed people out,” Durst said recently. “I want people to say Limp Bizkit have lost their edge.” He wants our anger, he wants to feed from our fury, watch us bitch at how limp the Bizkit have become. But he won’t get it, because ‘Results May Vary’ isn’t worth your anger. It’s not that bad. ‘Eat You Alive’ and ‘Phenomenon’ are both dangerously propulsive and there’s a lame appearance by Snoop Dogg on ‘Red Light – Green Light’, but, hey, it’s still Snoop. ‘Head For The Barricades’ may well be the most intense piece the band have ever recorded, but, you know, so what? We’ve heard all that before, and their new stuff is – at best – like a minutely less-annoying [a][/a].
The fact of the matter is, Limp Bizkit just don’t matter anymore. Fred Durst’s not stupid, he knows Rap Metal’s finished and he’s trying to move on, but this may not be the best direction to move in. If he’s happy churning this stuff out – and he promises another three at least – then, in all seriousness, good luck to him. But we’ve suffered enough.
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