Mark My Words

Mark, My Words: Sorry Greta, but I think we should rock our way into oblivion

Coldplay shouldn't stop touring to help the environment, they'd do more good on the road, argues columnist Mark Beaumont

Mark, My Words: Morrissey’s latest stunt misses the point – it’s not the autograph fans want, it’s the moment with their idol

“For Mr Mark – 20 years on with love and gratitude, Coldplay”. As I pulled the signed white label of ‘Everyday Life’ from the envelope,...

Mark, My Words: Kanye’s onto something with his pre-marital sex ban for collaborators. Shaggers make the worst music

The best part of pre-marital sex, of course, is that it’s sinful. No-one would bother if it wasn’t for that added frisson of impending...

Mark, My Words: The best-selling albums of the 21st Century list is an indelible stain on all humanity

When the aliens finally descend from their observation modules to pick through the ruins of our once mighty civilisation looking for remnants of the...

Mark, My Words: why God’s music is the devil’s work

Today, I was denied by Christ. Christ was closed. The internet had told me that Christ was open until 7pm, but when I arrived...

Mark, My Words: why we need a ‘fuck’ amnesty in rock

“Just one look and I lose control,” wails David Coverdale, big hair flapping in the breeze from a wind machine he presumably has surgically...

Mark, My Words: tellyfests are here to save our summers

It takes an almost Brexit-ian level of masochism to watch the squalor, underworld savagery and hat-based violence of Peaky Blinders and decide you quite...

Mark, My Words: I want justice for the most criminally ignored album of all time

David Miliband. The perfectly lovely couple who finally get onto the Coach Trip coach two days before it hits Ibiza. The new political party that...

Mark, My Words: I give you crank wave, the start of the subculture revival

According to the best medical minds on the planet (well, I Googled it), my chronic infection of ‘advanced critic’ might have reached stage four:...

Mark, My Words: why every great band needs a Rick Astley sidekick

Every day, something new threatens my fragile faith in reality. A sociopathic Honey Monster becomes Prime Minister. Those two posh women tell everyone on...
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