Come, sweet death.
It’s here. It’s finally here. After 12 years and 21 movies, it all boils down to this – a group of desperate superheroes gearing up for one final fight against a big bald purple bloke who has wiped out half of all life across the universe.
But while we’re still feeling emotional about the events of the snap (fittingly, it felt like we had dust in our eyes), allow us to play devil’s advocate for one sweet moment. Maybe, just maybe, Thanos was onto something. What if there are too many superheroes? Could he doing us a favour?
Just as we argued last year, it’s time to think of Thanos as your big bald mate who is here to take away the most irritating faces of the MCU.
Here are the characters that deserve to meet their end in Avengers: Endgame.
First Appearance: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
In 2019, Captain America sounds like the Twitter profile of a man who screams ‘NO COLLUSION’ and ‘MAGA’ on a daily basis. Quite simply, Steve Rogers is literally the product of another era.
Then there’s the fact that he’s fucking ancient – a Mick Jagger of the MCU. Chris Evans previously teased that he might be hanging up his shield for the last time, and we’re now giddy with anticipation.
How does he die?
He gets stuck in the past and can’t find his way back. A befitting end for a relic of a bygone era.
First appearance: The Avengers (2012)
Look, Clint Barton wasn’t even around when Thanos managed to get his big purple hands on all the infinity stones, so forgive us for thinking that his late arrival for Endgame seems just a little bit futile.
But he’s back, and sporting a serious questionable mohawk-cum-mullet. It’s the kind of hairstyle you’d expect your dad to wear in an attempt to show your mum that HE IS VERY MUCH OK AND COPING WITH THE DIVORCE, THANK YOU.
It might be part of the Ronin persona that he’s supposedly adopting, but we’re not onboard.
And as we said last time around, his ‘superpower’ is firing arrows with great precision. By this flawed logic, he is every bit as qualified as Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor or those blokes who won speedboats on the telly with Jim Bowen.
With the power of the universe at his fingertips, Thanos turns poor old Clint’s arrows back on his throat. One lands straight in the throat. BULLSEYE.
Tony Stark/Iron Man
First appearance: Iron Man (2008)
It’s been 10 years since Tony Stark emerged as the over-confident face of the MCU – a troubled billionaire with the money and power to transform himself into the titular hero.
Dripping with braggadocio and an endearing arrogance, Stark was the Bruce Wayne for the Facebook generation.
The only problem is that he hasn’t evolved. Captain America practically wanted to kill him, and we can’t say we entirely blame him.
Across three stand-alone films, three Avengers movies, and one Captain America film, we were shown how much of an uppity bastard he can be.
Now is the time to come full circle and finish him off.
It would be too predictable to ask for that big glowing reactor thing in his chest to finally explode, causing his body to explode in several different directions.
Instead, the first trailer showed him marooned in space in a little capsule, mounting one last attempt to return to his beloved Pepper Potts.
We’d pay good money to watch Stark as the earliest casualty, disintegrating into 1000 fiery pieces upon reentering the Earth’s atmosphere. Poetic justice for the mad man who flew too close to the sun.
Doctor Stephen Strange
First appearance: Doctor Strange (2006)
Doctor Strange shouldn’t be an Avenger. Heck, he shouldn’t even be a superhero. Mind-bending abilities aside, he has the look of a TV illusionist who faces financial ruin after a series of civil lawsuits from former assistants.
Mysticism and ability to fire those big discs aside, he’s just a bit lame isn’t he?
He’s basically a goner already, he was reduced to a pile of dust when Thanos snapped his fingers at the end of Infinity War. Magic tricks don’t get much greater than that.
Vision and Scarlet Witch
First appearance: Avengers Age of Ultron (2015)
Here’s the thing about Vision. He was essentially created by Tony Stark, and we’ve already been pretty clear how we feel about that guy. As for Scarlet Witch, she’s one of the Avengers’s most underplayed female characters, and was sadly reduced to a bit of romantic respite for Vision.
But as the ending draws closer, we don’t need that. Let their deaths in Infinity War remain permanent – it’s an emotional edge to Thanos’ almighty destruction.
They’re already dust. Let them remain that way.
Thor isn’t a hero. He’s a man with a big hammer. He’s Marvel’s answer to the modern phenomenon of the ‘Gym-Bro’. And as Loki will attest, he is the sibling who sets impossibly high expectations.
Loki is now dead, let his brother go the same way.
It didn’t happen in Infinity War, but we can only pray that Thor isn’t the only one can lift that bastard hammer. Thanos is more than capable of doing so, and could proceed to smash Thor into a thousand tiny pieces. Poetic justice right there.