I think Glastonbury boss Michael Eavis should get a Knighthood. So I started a Change.org petition

Just in time for Glasto 50, maybe

Are you feeling normal yet? I’m not sure I’m feeling normal yet. It’s now days since Worthy Farm scooped us up from our tents and dropped us at the front gates, and all I can talk about is how unbelievably great Glastonbury was. People are sick of it. But I simply can’t help myself. I’ve got Piltonitis.

Which is why I’ve started a change.org petition to get Michael Eavis a Knighthood. I actually think the Royal family sucks harder than a Frank Turner secret set, but my principles are taking a back seat to these all-consuming good vibes. Please: help me out by signing this petition so I can get on with the rest of life. It’s the 50th Glastonbury next year, so it’d be a great time to recognise the don.

What’s that? You’re sick of pointless petitions? You think that A) People who think change can be enacted through online petitions clearly haven’t been paying attention and that B) It would be tragic to sign a petition for something so trivial when there are real life problems in the world, as though you’re one of those Brexit dullards who protested against the BBC for cancelling Top Gear or something?

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Okay, we need to talk. Here’s why Michael Eavis deserves the knighthood that I don’t even believe in…

He’s set the template for us to live by

Of his future plans, 83-year-old Eavis recently told The Telegraph: “I want to go another 10 years at least, actually. I enjoy it so much… I’m not going to stop myself by choice.” He has literally made a living out of doing something he enjoys and would want to do anyway. I have tried to do this and it has proved fun if financially ruinous. Michael Eavis has done it for 49 years and brought joy to the lives of millions.

Glastonbury 2019
Glastonbury 2019

But he has a strong work ethic

A Methodist with a moralistic approach to work, he still runs the dairy farm that was his sole focus before the first ever Glastonbury (then called Pilton Pop, Folk and Blues Festival) took place back in 1970. “It’s really hard work, isn’t it?” he said. “I was milking twice a day for seven days a week and down the mines for five days and I did that for two years. I managed to save the farm from being sold, but it was real graft.”

And doesn’t live fancy

Michael Eavis famously doesn’t make megabucks from Glastonbury, and claims to pay himself only £60,000 per year for staging, with his daughter Emily, the greatest and most famous and beloved festival in the world. Although he has said that he didn’t actually pay himself last year, or the year before.

It costs £40 million to put on Glastonbury and they make just over a million quid in profit overall. Right: so they put in all that insane effort, across 100 stages, pulling off the incredible minor details that make the festival so brilliant (loads and loads of friendly stewards! Free water all across the site! The free paper and booklet that comes with your ticket!), and then take home a 2.5 per cent profit? We all know that Glastonbury could make more money if they wanted to, and instead it goes back int the festival.

He gives and he gives and he gives

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And he gives some more. Eavis donates £2m to charity per year. “People write to me every day and I give out £25 here, £500 there. I just read the letters and make my mind up about how much we’re going to give,” he’s said. And you’re telling me the man doesn’t deserve a knighthood from our overlords?

The man has pipes

Michael Eavis does karaoke every year at Glastonbury, and this year he belted out no less than three Elvis numbers (he’s a big fan of The King). So that point is that he’s clearly a smart businessman, and runs a wildly successful festival, but he still knows how to have a bloody laugh. And I think we could all learn something from that. Glastonbury 50: the perfect year to thank Sir Michael Eavis for everything he’s done.

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