Plus - Geri's mad at Robbie (oh wow), Dannii Minogue in transport shock and six-toed Christina Aguilera's six toes...

Sir Elton’s going to feel the pinch.

Following his High Court defeat, The Star (April 12) reckons the mighty bewigged Queen is down to £24 million a year. And with yesterday’s loss of a £14 million claim plus another £8 million in costs, the purse strings are really going to tighten. Tabloid Hell estimates that in an average month, Reg will have just £2,777 to spend every hour of every day. You can’t even buy a new car or a fitted IKEA kitchen or even a really nice expensive frock for £2,777 an hour. The British legal system really needs to take a long hard look at itself.

The same paper today reports that Greek Boy Spice [formerly known as Bendy Spice] is “furious” at Robbie for claiming their relationship has been anything other than platonic. Apparently she blanked him, refusing to speak or even acknowledge his presence at yesterday’s (April 11) Capital Radio Awards – another day, another Award ceremony, eh Greek Boy. She then left after 40 minutes. “Geri‘s very upset with me and I have to make amends,” says Robbie. “We’ve never slept together and that’s the truth.” At the same awards Rod Stewart is pictured with his ample hooter stuck between girlfriend Penny Lancaster’s.

Elsewhere, The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls return to their job as West End ticket agents. It is with considerable relief they write that doctors have given Martine McCutcheon (former soap opera actress turned moderately successful pop singer) the go-ahead to get back to her role in a stage production of ‘My Fair Lady’. However, they remind excited fans, it will take another three weeks of intense rehearsals before Martine can tread the boards again. Brave Martine, who has had her mystery illness for three weeks after making a shuddering 11 appearances since the musical opened, was spotted by The Sun out “on the razz” with her boyfriend earlier in the week. She is rumoured to be picking up £10,000 a week for the role of Eliza Doolittle.

The Sun also reports that Whitney Houston‘s husband Bobby Brown caused £20,000 damage to a hotel suite in a three-hour brawl with his brother in a Bel-Air Hotel. It took five days to fix up the suite.

Back to the Mirror where the Ever Vigilant Crew tell us that Dannii Minogue was spotted “strolling” out of Leicester Square tube station. Tabloid Hell believes she had been on a tube train a short time before.

award ceremony (such ceremonies really do answer the question of what pop stars do in the afternoon) looking like an anaemic candyfloss with babydoll lipstick. Its not a good look for any human being. But that is not the Britney wannabe’s biggest problem. Look closely at the bottom of the photo and you will see she has six toes on her right foot.

Finally, a company in Italy has invented smoke machines for priests. Priests will be able to deliver clouds of incense smoke at the touch of a button. The company says its machine will save altar servers the difficult task of getting the incense to light during Mass.

[url=] says: “The gadget is environmentally friendly because it uses less incense and is easy to use.” The machine, which runs on batteries, comes in gold, silver and nickel versions. It costs around £400.

Though the site does not, strictly speaking, fall under the Tabloid Hell remit, Easter is coming and such made for ‘Father Red’-like tales does not fall into your lap every day.

Tabloid Hell returns on April 17.