What song describes you best?
“Is there a song called ‘I’ve Got A Sore Throat And Still Loads Of Interviews To Do Before Tonight‘? Put that and say it’s by Half Man And Half Biscuit!”
What is heaven?
“Getting a song.”
What is hell?
“Having a song that sounds great in your head but sounds absolutely awful coming out of the speakers.”
What’s your earliest memory?
“Climbing up the side our bungalow when I was two. My mum came out to find me and said I had to come down in case I fell.”
What’s your greatest fear?
“Something happening to my mum and dad. But anything that there is to worry about, I worry about it.”
Who is your all-time hero?
“Mohammed Ali and Bill Hicks.”
What’s the worst trouble you’ve been in?
“I’m pitiful! The worst trouble was probably when I was twelve, we were skidding in the school grounds and we got caught by the police for trespassing. That’s it!”
Who was the first love of your life?
“Sharon Parnell. I was seven and I was totally in love with her until I was about 11! I went off her ’cause she started smoking and I couldn’t be arsed kissing her ’cause she had fag breath. And I think the reason she started smoking is ’cause she wanted to get rid of me.”
What’s your greatest talent?
“I’m very intuitive. I know when someone’s bullshitting instantly and I’ve not been wrong in 29 years.”
Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge? “I don’t believe in it. Revenge is small-minded.”
What’s your most treasured possession?
“All my notepads with my ideas in for the next album. Without them, I’d be up shit creek!”
What have you most regretted doing while drunk?
“Quite a lot which I don’t really want to get into! I don’t get drunk so often now as a result.”
What can you cook?
“I’ve given it up as a bad job ’cause I once made soup for my girlfriend and burnt it. But in the middle it was freezing so I guess I got it wrong. I eat out now!”
What’s the best bit of advice you’ve received?
“My dad said ‘me and mum love you for who you are and none of this matters as long as you’ve got your health and your family.'”
Can you read music?
If you were invisble for a day, what would you do?
“It would probably involve something sexual! Then I’d rob a bank.”
What are your three final wishes?
“That I die before anyone I know or love dies but that we’re all old enough for it not to matter. That I never get fed up how I feel right now, ’cause it’s ace at the moment and I want it to last forever. And world peace and an end to suffering!”