If the Tory leadership candidates were pop stars…

...they’d be this lot, probably

Has extremely loyal fans thanks to former glories (IE: being funny on Have I Got News For You a few times), enjoys a good flirt with far right ideologies, is often rude about foreign people, has a giant ego, can be media shy when it suits him, loves Brexit.

Boris Johnson is… MORRISSEY

L-r: Bo Jo, Moz


Has revealed a fondness for hoovering up bugle in a former life, looks absolutely terrifying without his make-up on

Michael Gove is… MARILYN MANSON

L-r: Marilyn, Michael

Partly responsible for the 2012 Olympics being great (he was Culture Secretary at the time), is a multi-millionaire, looks like he was probably good at hockey at school.

Jeremy Hunt is… COLDPLAY

L-r: Chris Martin, Jezza


Comes from humble beginnings (son of a bus driver), and used to earn about £3.4 million a year when he worked for Deutsche Bank but still somehow considers himself to be a man of the people.

Sajid David is… NOEL GALLAGHER

L-r: Sajjy J, Noely G

And for old time’s sake…

Likeable but slightly pathetic weirdo who is unable to wear ties properly and has a penchant for opium

Rory Stewart is… PETE DOHERTY

L-r: Rory, Pete



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