What I am enjoying, after another year of the government reminding us how much they love capitalism, cronyism and Institutional Unfairness, is the democratisation of the stock market and surrounding areas. The Gamestop fuckery (genius and wonderful moment) really warmed my heart as I thought of investment bankers panicking that the general public has cottoned on to their little game. Like the whole world realising you got your big house because you essentially work in a posh bookies with a nice canteen and a higher drug use rate. Even I have invested (played with) crypto in recent weeks (less than £100, and I’m doing very badly, I might just stick to telling jokes) and this time last year I couldn’t have told you what a stock was.
It’s only fair then, that as the world realises the stock market is absolutely batshit, that we expand on that with the other completely bonkers industry: art. I asked my investment banker-ish, money type person friend to explain to me why people had finally lost their minds and were paying millions of pounds for screenshots, (sorry, NFTs) and he said ‘Well it’s like tangible things too, you can own the Mona Lisa or you can own a fake one, it’s the same thing.’ At this stage I can’t work out whether or not I agree with him. So with that, let’s dive into the weirdest NFTs we’ve seen yet. Get bidding…
Jack Dorsey’s first tweet
Perhaps the original and weirdest of all. Someone with a lot of lockdown savings to spare bought a screenshot of the founder of Twitter’s first ever tweet. In fairness it was a tweet so inspirational that Plato himself would’ve been proud; ‘Just setting up my Twttr’. HE DID IT IN TEXT SPEAK AND IT SOLD FOR OVER $2.9MILLION. We can post the exact same thing below. Does anyone fancy chucking us £2.90?
DJ Don Diablo’s concert
Filmed over the course of a year and featuring 3D renders, jazzy graphics, and an incredible performance, the DJ said he wanted to create a ‘sort of sci-fi film convert experience.’ He sold it for $1.2million (in cryptocurrency Ethereum, obvs) to a user who will be the sole owner of the concert on a USB stick. All that technology to make it and if whoever bought it loses the keyring they keep that USB stick on, they’re fucked.
Cara Delevingne’s vagina
Looking like it was recorded after a night at Space, Cara talks about how her first word was ‘mine’ on Instagram and it’s her vagina and she can do what she wants with it, despite looking extremely embarrassed that she’s doing it as she’s speaking. Good for you though love. One quick thing, what are you on about?
Banksy on Fire
Strap in for the latest in ‘the internet is eating itself’ news. Some guys bought a Banksy artwork for $95,000 entitled Morons (White) that reads ‘I can’t believe you morons actually buy this shit’ then filmed themselves burning it, and sold the footage as an NFT for $382,336. I don’t mean do retire from my youth early here, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
Grimes’ Ten Digital Artworks
When your boyfriend is crypto-enthusiast, potential Bond villain, host of SNL and all-round billionaire oddball Elon Musk, of course you’re going to release some NFTs. Grimes auctioned off 10 pieces of original artwork under the umbrella ‘WarNymph Collection Vol. One’ that have each sold for tens of thousands. Grimes has ensured a portion of the profits go to a carbon-reduction charity, but Grimes has also agreed to have a chip implanted in her brain by one of her boyfriends’ companies, so swings and roundabouts.
Lindsay Lohan’s song ‘Lullaby’
She’s back! Everyone’s favourite ’00s icon has released a new song ‘Lullaby’ as an NFT, yes you could just stream the new song via a normal streaming platform, OR you could log on to FansForever and bid on the NFT version, which comes with visuals you won’t see anywhere else. Unless it’s that clip of her dancing in Mykonos though, I worry it can’t be beaten.
Lewis Capaldi is doing some sort of NFT but it’s unclear what it is
Even after reading the piece on it in this very magazine, I’m unsure what man of the people Lewis Capaldi is doing with his NFTs. Fans can collect tokens, which will lead to an ‘intimate’, ‘in person’ experience next year. Well at least you get to go somewhere, although I would pay for screenshots of his Instagram to be honest. It’s one of the best things on the internet. I think this is sort of a Charlie and The Chocolate Factory golden ticket scenario but with a gig. More on this as we get it. (As in, understand it)
Megadeath sold one for not very much
The only thing that could make you feel more embarrassed than churning something out for a quick buck as an NFT, is one that didn’t sell for very much, as Megadeath’s spinning skull artwork didn’t. Awks. Still, it’s a holiday lads.
Gorillaz made one but people kicked off and held them to higher standards
In classic fashion, trying to be a good person means you’re held to higher standards the second you do something that isn’t angelic, whilst the baddies get away with everything because, well, they’re baddies. Gorillaz’ album ‘Plastic Beach’ was a comment on how humans are destroying the planet, but now they’ve released an NFT and people don’t like it because, digital artwork is bad for the planet. HOW? I hear you cry. Well, crypto websites use up a lot of energy selling NFTs. Fairly low on the list after plastic, carbon emissions and air travel I’d say, but what do I know?
A digital fragrance that you can’t smell
Fuck it, embrace the madness at this stage. Look Labs in Berlin created a digital artwork of a fragrance after measuring various data that makes very little sense, and have called it ‘a digital reflection of a physical scent.’ I can’t wait for this to catch on, we’ll all save thousands over a lifetime in deodorant. ‘Oh yeah that smell? Just imagine a photo of a nice deodorant, that’s what I’m wearing.’ Good luck. (This article is going to come back to haunt me isn’t it?)